Ceremony Of Innocence
by Lord Malachite
Summary: [Complete] A Tale of The Sweet Hereafter. Helga goes away for the Christmas holiday, and Arnold gets an invite to Rhonda Lloyd's holiday party. There, he meets Lila beneath the mistletoe. As promised, Completed January 9!
1. Holiday Preparations

A Special Message From The Author

Hey, what's this story doing here? Funny how things work out, isn't it? I sat down to pen one last chapter of _Instant Gratification_ before hanging it up for the holidays, but then I realized I just didn't have it in me. Rather, I felt the urge to get started on my Christmas story. And instead of making everyone wait for three weeks, I decided that now would be a good time to get started. So, unlike my original plan, this story won't quite be a one-shot. It will have a few chapters. Not many, this is no epic. Just enough to tell the story that I want to tell. Anyway, I know that a lot of you have been looking forward to this story, so the wait is over. And as for IG, don't be alarmed. It will return on January 9 with an all new chapter. See? I can please everybody. And I can take a little holiday vacation too. Boy, that will be nice.

Before you read any further, I feel that it's imperative for everyone to know that this story follows the events of _The Sweet Hereafter _and _Say You _Will. Ergo, I strongly recommend that you read those stories, in that order, to gain maximum enjoyment from this one. I'm sure that most of you have done that already, but if you're new to my work, I wanted to give you the heads up. Since _Say You Will _took place around Valentine's Day, this takes place the same year at Christmas. This would put the kids in the early half of the sixth grade. Arnold, Helga, Gerald, Phoebe, and the others are all in the ten and a half to eleven age range. They're still going to P.S. 118. There, I think that covers just about everything. So, without further ado, on with the show! And Merry Christmas!

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_Swead_ _Entertainment_

_Making the illusion reality since 2000_.

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_Pre-read by Shinji Langley_

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_Dedicated to Holly, a woman unlike any other, and through whom everything good in me is made possible._

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_Ceremony Of Innocence: _A Tale Of _The Sweet Hereafter_

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Part I: Separation Anxiety

"_To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."_

--Bertrand Russell, _Marriage And Morals_

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"Christmas time again. I hate Christmas. Okay. That's not entirely true. I was just trying to get your attention. I like the part about the presents. I like the shopping, and the snowfall. And I like the way that the people in this neighborhood try to spruce it up with decorations. It's the only time of the year that this place doesn't look quite so run down.

It's the family I can't stand. Or rather, having to be so close to them. I've come to discover that I appreciate my family the most when we don't spend much time together. It helps to cut down on my disappointment when things return to our normal routine.

So here I am, three days before Christmas, what should be one of the best holidays in my ten-and-a-half-year-old existence, and last night I am unceremoniously told to pack my bags, we're going to grandma's for Christmas. That's just great. I can't tell you how much I appreciate being taken away from everything I care about at what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. I don't get to hang out with Phoebe all day on Christmas Eve, drinking eggnog and laughing about whatever comes to mind. I don't even get to see you, Football Head. Instead, I get packed off to the middle of nowhere. Perfect. And just to make sure that my holiday is completely ruined, I have to endure eight hours in a car with Bob and Miriam. Normally, I could survive that with the help of my discman. But with Olga next to me, I'm not certain that we'll both live through the trip. I'm thinking about popping a few sleeping pills in me, having a couple of Miriam's smoothies, and getting some rest. Okay, okay, don't get all worried about me. I may be self-destructive, but I'm not that far gone. Anyway, my point is that I'm going to miss you. Tell Grandpa Phil I'm sorry that I can't make it on Saturday. And thank him for the Christmas bonus he sent. That was really sweet of him. Just make sure you and the rest of your extended family don't make a mess of my floors. I don't want to come home to a load of back breaking labor. And don't do anything I wouldn't do while I'm gone. I've got eyes in the back of my head, and I won't give you my Christmas present if I hear that you've been naughty. Anyway, I'm afraid that I need to get going. The road's calling, according to Bob. Personally, I think it's the burritos that he ate for breakfast. If I don't come back from this trip alive, promise you'll remember me. Seeya around, Arnold."

I shut the micro cassette recorder off, sighing at the injustice of my predicament. I can't believe that Bob is doing this to me. It's like he's trying to ruin my Christmas or something. My bare legs rub against the suitcase held between them, chafing my skin. I stifle a growl as I open the case and pull out the stockings that Olga gave me. Just what I need. But better to put them on than listen to Bob and Miriam drone on about how ungrateful I am.

These things feel really weird. How do other girls stand this! My legs are all slippery, I feel like I'm going to pull a muscle. I need to remember to store these with my high heels when I get back. In the dumpster. I don't suppress this growl as I step outside and leave my suitcase in the pile by the car. I keep an eye on Bob until I see him actually load it. I'm not taking any chances. It's getting cold, but then, the sun is sinking fast. I can see traces of my breath when I exhale.

"Helga!" There's a call from the upper portion of the street. It's Phoebe. Now she's a good friend.

"Hey Pheebs, thanks for coming." I muster a smile for her. She deserves better, but I don't have much to give.

"I wouldn't let you leave without saying goodbye." Phoebe always knows just what to say to me. I'd probably be lost without her. And she knows it all too well. I don't really know how to react to her in these situations, so I do something a little out of character and give her a hug. I've decided that I can let myself be a little sentimental around the holidays. A little. I'm not about to get all touchy-feely.

"Thanks Phoebe." I smile at her, reaching into the pocket of my purple coat and removing the recorder, opening it and passing the tape along to her. "Give this to him when you see him. But tell him not to play it until he gets into bed."

"He'll be here any minute." Phoebe exclaims excitedly. "He just finished the big game."

I always get nervous when I see her so happy for me. I wonder if she has something planned. No sooner had Phoebe finished with her explanation when Arnold comes running around the corner. So, he's decided to show after all. Now if only he didn't have Tall Hair Boy in tow. It's all a conspiracy against me, I swear it. I tap my foot impatiently while waiting for the boys to catch up, knowing that any moment now, Bob can force me to get into the car. "Did we win?" I ask my love, not giving him a chance to greet me.

"Not exactly." Arnold sighs, knowing how disappointed I'll be. Bob wouldn't let me play. He didn't want to take any chances of me holding him up. Don't get me started on that one.

"Criminey, Football Head, couldn't you manage one lousy game without me?" I groan at him. This whole day is turning into an exercise in frustration.

"We only lost by one run." Arnold defended his performance. "We would've won if Gerald here hadn't come up with a triple in the last inning."

"That's right!" Gerald grinned, proud of his accomplishment. Never count me out when I'm in a pinch." It's enough to make me roll my eyes, the way Phoebe is beaming at him. I've never been that obvious. Have I?

"When it warms up, I'll show you a triple that'll knock that hair clean off your head." I smirk, trying to intimidate Gerald a bit. A girl has to keep up the proper image. Especially one like me.

"So what are we doing here?" Gerald asks. "I want to get some of your grandma's hot chocolate." Typical. The way to a man's heart really is through his stomach. I hope that Phoebe is paying attention if she really wants him.

"We will." Arnold smiles. "I just wanted to give Helga the news." Just perfect. He knows that I can't stand an audience. And if he doesn't, well, then he darn well should! Under normal circumstances, the only thing I like to be seen giving Arnold is an insult. But this is anything but normal.

I pass the cassette to Arnold, wincing at my clumsiness. There's no way anyone could have missed it. Great, now I have to endure the questions. "Not until tonight." I whisper as I watch him pocket the message. He nods at me knowingly. Why does it have to be like this? We're not friends, we're not quite involved either. But it's always me who is holding back. I just won't take the plunge. Say what you will. Call it cowardice if you like, and I will not deny it. How can I, when I know it to be true?

"We'll miss you, Helga." Arnold turns his smile on me. "I hope you have a nice holiday." I want to tell him the truth, but considering that I mostly recorded a whining session on that tape for him, I figure it's better that I just let it go. No sense in devaluing my stock any further.

"Thanks, Arnold. I'll, um, stay in touch as we discussed."

"I'm looking forward to it, Helga." Curse that smile of his. Gerald will undoubtedly be asking questions now. Probably stuff Arnold won't be able to deny, either. Just what I need.

"All right, girl, let's move out!" Bob bellows at me. "Say goodbye to your friends, we're making tracks." Way to interrupt the moment. I should be used to it by now. Nothing ever goes my way. Why do I feel such pain at the way Arnold and I are looking at each other? Oh, right. Because this isn't how it's supposed to be.

"Seeya, Helga." Arnold nods. No mushy stuff here. Not to say that there ever is. And if there is, I'm not telling.

Phoebe sounds off immediately afterwards. "Goodbye, Helga. And have a merry Christmas!" Ah, good ol' Phoebe. I need to do something proper for her when I come back.

"Thanks Pheebs. I'll call you after I come back home." I look in Johannsen's direction, realizing that I have to at least acknowledge his presence. But it's no secret we don't think much of each other. "Geraldo." I incline my head.

"Helga." He responds, in careful imitation of my voice. I take one last look at Arnold before moving towards the car. I don't want Bob yelling at me, my day has been hard enough as it is. I climb inside, fastening my seatbelt and ignoring Olga. As Bob pulls us out, I press my nose against the glass, trying to soak up every last microsecond of his image. I can't explain why, but there's this sinking sensation in my stomach that makes me feel as though I'll never see him again.

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Part II: You Are Cordially Invited. . .

"_Beautiful thoughts, and beautiful women never last."_

--Charles Bukowski, "Notes Of A Dirty Old Man."

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Arnold sat at his desk, facing his best friend Gerald, who sat on the bed expectantly, waiting for Arnold to open the envelope. Every time the blonde boy seemed about to tear it open, he would instead reach for his hot chocolate. "Man, come on Arnold, are you just going to sit there all day, or are you going to open it?" Gerald howled after the fourth such fake out.

"Sorry." Arnold sighed, turning the letter over again in his hands. He read the return address once again, but it was the name that made all the difference. Arnold mouthed the words, wondering what it was doing in his hands. Rhonda. Wellington. Lloyd. The envelope was legal sized, meaning that whatever she had decided to send him obviously had some significance. This made sense, as Rhonda really wasn't the letter type. After much prodding from Gerald, Arnold decided that he couldn't put it off any longer. He had to find out what it was that Rhonda wanted with him. He held the envelope up to the light, but nothing shown through. The enclosed paper was thick. The return address label was embossed in gold, evidence of royalty. As Arnold very carefully tore the envelope at its end, he half expected rose petals to come falling out. Hesitating for a moment, Arnold widened the opening with his fingers and withdrew the elegant stationary hiding inside. It had been folded neatly three times, and a smell reminiscent of lavender perfume greeted his nostrils as he unfolded the paper, and stared at the regal message before him.

Gerald quickly came up behind his friend, and they read the invitation together, chuckling at the pretentious font Rhonda had chosen. "She's throwing another party?" Gerald asked. "I thought you said her last one was really lame."

"It was." Arnold nodded. "Apparently she's trying not to make the same mistake twice. It says I can bring a guest. What do you think? Do you want to come?"

"When is it?"

"Tomorrow night from five until ten. I'm sure I can get Grandpa to give us a lift."

"Well, I guess I don't have anything else to do." Gerald shrugged. "But it better not be some lame party like you said her exclusive one was."

"If it is, we can just blow it off and go to a movie."

Gerald took the invitation, rereading it himself. He cocked an eyebrow as his eyes came to a list near the bottom. "I don't know about that, man. Something tells me this party is going to be a lot more interesting than I thought."

"What? What makes you say that, Gerald?"

"Check the guest list?"

Arnold pursed his lips, taking the paper back and bringing his eyes down to the list of names. Rhonda, of course, she was the hostess. Nadine, no surprise, Rhonda's best friend. Park, he was pretty cool. Iggy, everyone liked him. Harold, well, he'd show up anywhere that offered free food. Sheena, she probably was working on décor with Rhonda. Phoebe, this probably pleased Rhonda quite a bit. Rhonda rarely got to spend any time with Phoebe without having to bear the presence of Helga, and there was little love lost between those two. Sid and Stinky, those two would probably be up to something the whole night, but they'd certainly keep the party alive. Lorenzo was finally learning how to have fun, a party would do him a world of good. So far, the only names Arnold could think of that weren't on the list were himself, Gerald, and Curly, and Eugene. Arnold had a pretty good theory behind why Curly wasn't included. He was always coming onto Rhonda, and the boy was something of a loose cannon. He didn't like to see any kids left out, but it might be for the best. And Eugene, well, even Arnold was forced to admit that for reasons unknown, Eugene was something of a jinx. But it wasn't much of a secret that Sheena was a bit sweet on the accident-prone boy, so there was a good chance he'd be there as well. The last name on the list caused Arnold's heart to skip a beat. _Lila Sawyer_. He blinked, then checked the list again. _Lila Sawyer_. "Oh, no." He whispered to himself, "Oh no." Arnold struggled to compose himself. He was supposed to be over Lila. He had told Gerald so himself.

"Looks like some party." Arnold nodded.

"It could be you r lucky day, Arnold." Gerald smiled. "Look, you know I'm normally not very supportive of the whole crush thing you have on Lila. But if you ever want to have a shot with her, this is probably it. You're both unattached, and with the whole Christmas thing, she's probably going to be kinda lonely since she hasn't found that 'oh-so-special-someone' you say she's always going on about. Maybe this is your shot to be that guy.

"I don't know Gerald. Maybe I shouldn't go. I have a report to do for school." Arnold lied.

"So?" Gerald challenged. "We've got all break! I know you didn't get anything that big. Man, you know how lazy Mr. Sangster is? The last thing he wants to do is come back from Christmas break to correct a bunch of our stuff."

"Yeah, I know. But this isn't for Mr. Sangster."

"Arnold. Think about it. You're finally getting your shot with Lila. Are you just going to pass it up? Man, she was even talking about you like two weeks ago!"

"She was?" Arnold's eyes widened.

Gerald nodded. "Phoebe said so! She was talking about how it makes her feel weird than you don't try to hit on her anymore. She misses you, buddy!"

This information seemed to be too much for Arnold to take in. It seemed crazy. Was Lila finally beginning to see what he had always seen between them? Could he even dare to hope that-. No, what was he thinking! He was involved with Helga now, even if he had reluctantly agreed not to make the relationship public.

_She's not your girlfriend_. A voice inside him said.

Arnold mentally scolded himself. "Maybe not, but she's everything else. I'm not going to abandon her."

_Why? You don't owe her anything. She won't even let you tell anyone about her. Not that there's much to tell._

"Helga will come around when she's ready."

_She treats you like crap all day long at school. She won't even be honest with herself. How long have you given her now? Over a year? Hey, if she loses out because something better comes along, that's her problem._

"But I care about Helga."

_You cared about Lila first_.

Arnold couldn't fight himself on that one.

"C'mon, Arnold." Gerald insisted. "You know you want to go!"

"Okay, okay, we're going."

"That's more like it. Now, mind telling me why you dragged us six blocks just to watch Helga leave this afternoon? I say good riddance."

"She had something she had to give me." Arnold sighed, not wanting to discuss the matter.

"I noticed. What was it?"

"A tape."

"A tape of what?" Gerald asked.

"Her." Arnold explained.

"Say what?"

"Helga and I are. . .doing a project." Arnold heard himself chicken out. "For Mr. Simmons."

"Arnold, Mr. Simmons hasn't been a teacher for a year and a half."

"I know, but the three of us were involved in something pretty big on Thanksgiving the year we were in his class. Mr. Simmons just wanted us to, well, kind of keep in touch with each other over the holiday. So Helga tapes some of her thoughts. I'm supposed to record some stuff, and then give it to him, and he'll add some and send it back to Helga."

"Is that what Helga meant by keeping in touch?"

"Yeah. He was a good teacher, and this seemed really important to him, so I felt it was the least we could do."

"You're an old softy, Arnold, you know that, right?"

"I know." Arnold chuckled. "You staying for dinner?"

"If you insist, man." Gerald smiled. Both boys went downstairs to make sure that they weren't having watermelon. Again.

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The house was dark and quiet when Arnold climbed into bed, pulling the covers around him. He reached into one of the drawers by his bed and pulled out a micro cassette recorder, placing the tape Helga had made for him inside of it. He rewound it to the beginning and listened to the message, a sadness creeping over him when he realized that Helga continued to have problems with her family. He was hoping that things would've improved for her, but apparently, this was not the case. He wished that there was something he could do for her, but he knew that she wouldn't want him interfering. Even if he did, it was highly unlikely that it would make things any better for her. Was this why she always felt the need to hold her cards so close to her chest, why she guarded her feelings so closely? He felt sorry for her. But what about Lila? She, too, had always been alone, and her home life was very difficult. Her mother had passed away when she was little, and while her father seemed very kind, Arnold knew that the man had to work very hard to provide for his little girl and didn't see her enough. Lila was fairly popular, and she always looked on the bright side, like him, but she deserved better than she had. He had cared about Lila for a long time, only deciding to abandon his feelings when he finally realized that Lila just wouldn't accept him as a suitor. It wasn't long after that he had started his. . .complications with Helga, a relationship Arnold still didn't understand. But now it seemed that Lila might be changing her mind. A second chance at his heart's desire. Now he only had to figure out what he was supposed to do.

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Author's Notes

Not too much to say down here, since I already covered most of the stuff this time out at the beginning. I'm looking forward to continuing this story over the next few weeks. I'll try to have the biggest update come out on Christmas Day, so you'll all have a gift from me. I'm expecting this story to go a total of four or five chapters at the most. You might feel that this chapter is a little short, but really, it's about an average sized chapter of TSH. Remember, COI is not an epic story. It also has far fewer balls up in the air, so I have much less to cover with each chapter. It's also darned convenient, because I've been watching my free time evaporate into almost nothing lately. It will be nice to write a story where I don't have to do such an insane amount of work each week, especially at this time of the year.

This story is designed to tie up some of the holes I left in the previous two stories. I might even address some of the mysteries that have been floating around, who knows! But I do hope that it meets with your approval. I was a little afraid of writing Helga in this style again. Jumping into the first person with her can be a rather trying experience. It's not fun to look at the world through Helga's eyes, but hey, I'm willing to do almost anything if it's for the good of the story. It's been a long held belief of mine that an author has to be willing to do that. And so, here I am, doing my best. Thanks for your support, everyone, it really means a lot to me. This is a new project, so I really hope that you'll tell me what you think! I've never written a holiday story, so I hope that it meets your expectations. The Christmas theme will factor in a bit more as the story progresses, that's for certain. And, I expect, a bit of the new year as well.

Don't worry about your review responses to the latest chapter of Instant Gratification. They should be coming within 24-36 hours. If you left an anonymous review, then I'll leave a response when I release the next chapter of IG. No reader left behind, that is my promise!

I'd also like to extend my thanks for the increased participation in the fanfic awards. Everyone is really doing their part to make them happen, and we're doing much better nominations. An extra special thanks to anyone who has nominated me, or who votes for me. But regardless of what the results come out to be down the road, I think that the real winners in this are the fans, the people like you, who get to read these stories we all work so hard on. It's because of the readers and the writers alike that Arnold continues to have a home on the internet. Please keep nominating your favorites and be sure to vote when the time comes!

So, by this point, you know the drill. Leave reviews, write e-mails, send IMs. I'm lonely! Send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to:

Lord Malachite

12/12/05

3:34AM, EST

E-mail: ranger(underscore)writer(at)yahoo(dot)com

AIM: Asukaphile26


	2. Ties Of Blood And Water

Part III: Ties Of Blood And Water

"_Happy families are all alike, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."_

--Leo Tolstoy, _Anna Karenina_

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The Pataki family car sped over snow packed roads, winding its way through a veritable winter wonderland. What Helga hated most about trips to her grandmother's house was that it was almost literally over the river and through the woods. Nearly two thirds of the trip was dedicated to a bunch of state roads that meandered through the hind end of nowhere. Nothing but snow-covered trees on either side, which on rare occasion would give away to a small town whose hub would be a gas station and a run-down diner that shut its doors by 8PM every night. She vaguely considered throwing herself out the window and taking her chances, but since Bob had thrown the cut off switch in the front, even that possibility was lost to her. Thrice, Olga had made an effort to engage her in conversation. Helga had ignored her sister every time, until Olga finally got the hint that Helga was in her complete do not disturb mode. She glanced at Bob, listening to his talk radio. Useless. Miriam was passed out in the passenger seat, also of no use. And she didn't want to risk a look in Olga's direction, for fear of encouraging her. Realizing that there was no better alternative, she tossed the pills she had spirited out of the medicine chest into her throat and swallowed, willing her eyes shut and praying for sleep to take her. Within fifteen minutes time, her wish had been granted.

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"In case you're wondering how I survived, it's because I cheated. I took two of Miriam's sleeping pills, screwed my eyes shut, and just let sleep take me. Ah, sleep, the great escape. And it worked like a charm. By the time I woke up, we were here. I don't even remember dreaming. Maybe I didn't. I can't recall. It might be just as well. I only would've dreamed about you, anyway."

"Why is this happening to us now, Arnold? We shouldn't be apart like this, not at Christmas. We're supposed to be together, capturing the magic. Instead we're separated, and ever since you came to see me off this afternoon, I have feared that something between us will be lost. Bob is doing this to me on purpose, I know it. All he cares about is seeing his mother for Christmas. Never mind if I have to be miserable. This many Patakis under one roof can't be healthy, let me tell you. I worry that not all of us will make it out alive. Everyone's against me. Even my granny can't stop talking about Olga. And of course, I went and slept the entire drive here, so now it's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm wide awake. Nothing ever goes my way. But for some reason, that's almost reassuring. Maybe this will be easier for you to understand now, Arnold, I'm not sure. But I don't trust to happiness. I never have. I have a lot of trouble with appreciating simple things, with being content. I can never trust in happiness. Whenever things start going my way, something inside of me always feels uneasy. In fact, that's how I know that I'm heading in the wrong direction. If I didn't have you to keep my course straight and true, Arnold, then I would be completely lost. I'm very lucky not to suffer that kind of misfortune. I do have you. My one safe port on the ocean of madness that is my life. Your very presence and influence on my life is the greatest gift I have ever received. You, who have made even the most unbearable portions of my life softer and more agreeable. And as I lie her in this guest bed, pondering the moon and clutching my purple pajamas to me tightly, I know that I have to be thankful for you. If nothing else in this world, I am thankful for you. I'm grateful that you're in my life. And more importantly, that you haven't given up on me, even though it's all I deserve. You have a wonderful heart."

"Why am I telling you all this? I don't really know, to be honest. I think that a part of me is just trying to show you the truth. That deep down, I am what you think I am, nay, what you know me to be. You've always seen the goodness in me, haven't you? Something about me that is better than what I deign to show the world. Something better than the person I often fear I will become. And then you give me hope. You're the boy who stayed with me, just as I asked. You took a nightcap in my soul and have never left. And because you stayed with me, I have never had to be alone again. I didn't have to go back. Not completely. There is still a part of me that you have helped to sustain. I'm still there, living inside that bubble in time we created over a year ago in the hospital. And it's only there where I am free to be the girl you've always known existed beneath every prank and insult I've ever perpetrated against you in my desperate yet misguided attempts to gain your attention. All the schemes, all the plots, all the lying and the cheating. All just to make you see me. Dare I admit it is all for love? Call me crazy, but I dare. Love, in all its wonder and splendor and majesty. Love. Always tormenting me, always teasing me, always pushing me to the brink of my sanity and even beyond, never allowing me even a moment of solace. My love for you, unfettered and unabated, destiny twining my heart to yours. Yet even though I may lose my mind over you, I do not count myself out. It's worth it, no matter how much I may go through. Experience has taught me that I'm much better off with you than without."

I push the stop button on my recorder, sitting up in bed and pressing my nose against the window pane. The chill that meets my skin somehow makes me feel a little more real, more alive. I need that after talking about myself. I'm so screwed up. I don't even feel quite real, alive. It's like I'm some kind of cartoon character. No one real could possibly have as many problems as I do. Not at my age, anyway. Sighing, I press record once more, knowing that I must let him hear what I have always held back. "Oh, my love, what will become of us? We have not yet had to endure true separation. Since I stopped fighting you, I have been with you each and every week, even playing nurse when you took ill. We should be further along, we would be further along, if it were not for my weakness. I am better than this, truly, but I just won't give in. I won't let myself be happy. I have doomed myself to this, to live the life of some kind of sick, psychotic freak, walking back and forth through the real world. Never loving fully, but demanding that I be loved completely by you. Because at long last, I've realized that my love is exactly that. Incomplete. Lacking. Not in spirit, perhaps. I have always loved you with everything that I am from afar. But up close, I won't let you see it. No more. No longer will I force you to wait for me. That is my gift for you. Merry Christmas, Goofwad. I hope you appreciate it."

Man, what I don't do for love. It's hard to resist smiling to myself after finally having gotten that off my chest. It's never easy to talk about these kinds of things. Especially when you take into account my unending fear of rejection. Not to say that Arnold hasn't given me clear signs. There have been times when I've felt that he's practically lighting up the runway and guiding me in with semi four flags. But it's never enough for me. It's not that I don't trust Arnold. Quite the contrary, actually. He's about the only person other than Phoebe that I trust almost implicitly. Well, okay, maybe not implicitly. But as much as I'm willing to trust another person, and that's got to count for something. Somebody's got to give the boy some credit. Goodness knows I don't, not nearly as much as I should, anyway. But I'm not used to being liked. I'm more accustomed to being feared and hated. Maybe that's my own fault for visiting a lot of unkindness around the kids in our class, maybe I do deserve it. But that doesn't mean I don't wish it were different. I always wish it were different. Deep down, I wish I could be like Arnold. But the truth is that I'm not, and I don't think I ever will be. But there's always hope that a little of him will rub off on me. There's always room for improvement, right?

Even with some of the caveats, I'm feeling pretty good. Everyone else in the house is asleep, so I let myself out of the room and tiptoe down the stairs, wincing when my bare feet make contact with the creaky step, which emits what I know to be only a small squeak, but in the quiet of the morning seems like a deafening thunder. I move a little faster, making a bit more noise but rapidly reaching the safety of the foyer. I plant my feet on the carpet like a gymnast, using my toes to grip the material tightly. I keep my body completely frozen, listening for sounds of stirring from upstairs. Hearing nothing forthcoming, I breathe a sigh of relief and resume a step-by-step walk to the living room, hoping to watch a little TV to numb my mind a bit. So you can imagine my surprise when I see Olga doing exactly the same thing, having beaten me to the punch. "Olga?" I ask, my voice low, my heart beating faster. This is perfect. Just perfect. Now my day is complete. I thought it had been a little too happy.

"Oh, hello, Baby Sister. What are you doing out of bed?" Olga asks me with a hesitant expression.

"I was going to ask you the same thing. I couldn't sleep. Did too much of it in the car." I respond. "What about you?"

"I was just thinking about the past. I've spent a few Christmas days here myself. It's been a long time since I've visited Grandma."

"I don't come very often myself. It's boring." In fact, I can think of few things less enjoyable than being here.

"You know, Helga, when I was your age, I felt exactly the same way. Grandma doesn't even have a piano. There's not much for a child to do here. But just think, one day, Grandma will be gone, and then we won't be able to visit her anymore, even if we wanted to."

"Yeah. I guess it sucks to get old." I don't much plan to ever come back here if I can help it. Won't be any loss to me.

"That's just it." Olga sighs, looking at me as though she needs my advice. "_I _feel old, Helga. I feel like I'm getting old before my time."

"You're not old, Olga." Geez, don't start getting all teary over nothing. You've still got men fawning all over you. You're the belle of the ball wherever you go. What, am I supposed to feel sorry for you now? Ha! Like that's gonna happen!

"I'm twenty-two, Helga. And I'm a professional student. No matter how much I learn, I just can't settle on finding one thing I want to do with my life!"

"Yeah, but a year and a half ago, you were all set to get married. You must have has some idea of what you wanted to do." Sheesh, am I her career counselor now too?

"That was different. Doug is gone. Whatever I do, it has to be by myself. I just don't know where I'm going to." Looks like I'm going to get stuck in a heart-to-heart after all. Why me?

"I don't know, Olga. Do we ever really know? I can barely handle being able to be a part of this family."

"I envy you, Baby Sister." Olga looks at me with admiration. What the heck is she thinking?

"_You_ envy _me_?" I sputter, not able to fathom what on earth she could possibly be talking about.

"Yes. You aren't held to the same standards I am."

"Yeah. Bob and Miriam actually remember you exist." Oh brother, Olga's really losing it. The day people start genuinely envying me, that's going to be my signal to find a new line of work. Or better yet, a new life altogether.

"That's right. They don't notice you. They don't expect anything out of you. But we both know that regardless of what they might think, you're capable of so much. You can be anything that you want to be, Helga. You're so talented, yet you hide it from the rest of the world. But I know, Helga. When I was in your class as a student teacher, Mr. Simmons shared his concerns with me that you were holding yourself back. I know how brilliant you are, Baby Sister. I know that there's nothing you can't do when you decide to put your mind to it. You shouldn't be shy about how bright you are, Helga. Embrace it." Yeah, sure Olga. That's real easy for you to say, isn't it. I mean, it's not like there's any consequences to you. You don't have my reputation to worry about. You don't have Arnold. Sometimes I wonder if Olga can ever possibly understand what it really means to be me. I doubt it. We're just too different.

"I'm not holding back, Olga. I just do what I like. Believe me, I'll become whatever I want to become, when the time is right."

"I know I've said this before, Helga, but I just worry that you'll end up on the same path that I have. And you're better than that."

"So you keep saying. Look, Olga, I didn't come down here to have a debate about my future. I don't even want to think about my future! Can't I just be ten-and-a-half years old? Criminey!" It's totally worth the aggravation when I see the expression that begins to develop on Olga's face. She's feeling guilty. Good. About time she felt guilty. She's always making my life more difficult than it needs to be. Serves her right.

"You're right." Olga twiddles her thumbs, shutting the television off. Only the glow of a small nightlight beside the sofa illuminates the room. "I'm sorry, Helga. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. It really isn't my business. I hope you'll forgive me. I'm just. . .feeling a little sorry for myself, I guess. I should get back to bed. If you're going to stay up, make sure you get back to bed before anyone else wakes up in the morning."

"Yeah, yeah. No problem. I'm not a kid anymore Olga." Not that she'll ever see me as anything else, no matter how old I get.

"No." I watch Olga nod at me. "I suppose you're not. I'll. . .see you tomorrow. Goodnight, Baby Sister." Olga lifts herself off the couch and quietly creeps upstairs to her own guest room. I flip the TV back on to lose myself in its pointless forms of entertainment. I feel like I've managed to hurt Olga somehow. Normally, that wouldn't mean anything to me. But this time, it does. And I have no idea why.

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Part IV: Get This Party Started

"_They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."_

--Andy Warhol, _The_ _Philosophy of Andy Warhol_

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Gerald Johanssen stood on Rhonda's expansive front porch, his best friend Arnold beside him. He looked the blonde boy up and down, still worried about what his performance would be this night. "Are you sure you're ready for this?" He asked, straightening his jacket. Gerald had decked himself out for the occasion, every ounce of his presence radiating the "cool dude" persona that he always worked so hard to nurture.

"I don't know, Gerald." Arnold hesitated, fidgeting with his bowtie. "I thought I was, but now that I'm here, and knowing she's inside there and all, it's kind of, I dunno, scary."

"Arnold, it's only Lila. It's not like you haven't seen her before."

"Yeah, but this is different. I stopped pursuing her, and this time, well, it might be different."

"You stopped pursuing her, but did you stop _liking_ her?" Gerald questioned, pushing his friend into a corner.

Arnold sighed. "Lila isn't exactly the kind of girl you just stop liking. She kind of gets under your skin."

"No question that she's gotten under yours." Gerald shook his head. "Call me crazy, Arnold, but I don't get it. I mean, sure, she's pretty. And she's always nice. She's got a good personality. I get why you would like her, but she always just seemed a little too, y'know, perfect."

"Perfect?" Arnold cocked an eyebrow.

"Yeah! I mean, the girl is nice to a fault. You never see her get mad at anyone, or do any yelling. She's like a little angel. I think it actually turns me off a little."

"She can't help it, Gerald. She's just really sweet. I mean, even after all the times she's shot me down, she always did it nicely."

"Okay, okay, I see your point." Gerald conceded. "And it's not like I don't want you to hook up with her. I guess it's just a case of Different strokes for different folks." He frowned when Arnold only chortled at his words. "What? You know one of us had to say it!" Gerald added his laughter to the mix.

"I'm just glad it was you." Arnold chuckled. "Speaking of you, are you going to ask Phoebe to dance tonight?"

"I dunno, man. The night is young."

"C'mon, Gerald. With Helga gone, she's got to be pretty lonely."

"And with Helga gone, I don't have to deal with her ever watchful eye." Gerald caught on quick. "I swear, I'd rather have her father as a chaperone than Helga."

"Well then, it looks like today is your lucky day. She likes you, Gerald. I'm sure she'll dance if you ask her."

"So what are we waiting for? Let's not keep our ladies waiting!" Gerald rapped on the front door of the Lloyd home, and moments later, Rhonda herself appeared, in a flowing red dress that hung from spaghetti straps over her otherwise bare shoulders, hugging her svelte form and billowing outward below her waist into a sea of ruffles and frills. Upon seeing the boys, her eyes lit up. Gerald had a habit of being the life of any party, and Arnold was most definitely on her mental cool list. He came from another world.

"Arnold! Gerald! So good to see you! I was beginning to worry that you wouldn't show." She extended her slender arm, her red gloves reaching all the way to her elbow. Gerald took her right hand in his, gently brushing his lips against it before releasing her.

"Enchante, my dear." Gerald flashed her his breath smile. "We wouldn't miss this for the world."

Rhonda blushed slightly, a little color spilling into her cheeks. "D-do come in!" She gestured, ushering the boys inside. "Arnold, I'm glad that you could come as well."

"It's nice to be here, Rhonda. The place looks great."

"Just a little something I had daddy help me put together." Rhonda smiled. "I've set out some punch and toast points on the long table in the dining room for now. I'll be serving something more filling in a bit. Please, make yourselves at home."

Arnold stepped into the living room, where lots of kids from his class were already milling about. Nadine immediately approached the two of them with a purposeful gleam in her eye. "Hi, Nadine." Arnold smiled, happy to see her. Nadine was usually in a good mood and had the skill of conversation. Of course, she did like to talk about bugs a lot, but they weren't the only thing on her mind, contrary to what many believed.

"Hi, Arnold. Merry Christmas! To you too, Gerald." She smiled as he appeared behind Arnold."

"Merry Christmas!" Arnold and Gerald said in unison, causing them all to laugh a bit.

"You can check your coats with me." Nadine explained. The boys quickly complied, and Nadine slung the jackets over her shoulder, heading off to place them in a bedroom, her blue dress billowing only slightly behind her from the bow she wore on her lower back.

"Man, I figured this would be a semi-formal, but Rhonda wasn't kidding." Gerald whistled lightly, clearly impressed at the spread their classmate had put out.

Arnold agreed wholeheartedly. "Well, Rhonda has always been good at throwing parties. Except maybe for that one she had in fourth grade when she only invited 'the cool kids.' Worst. Party. Ever. But aside from that, her record is pretty much flawless."

"It takes a special kind of skill to plan a successful party."

"I thought that geek party we threw to combat Rhonda's cool one was pretty successful." Arnold stated. "And what about the block party we helped organize to save the neighborhood? Man, if the police hadn't shut it down for no reason, that could've been the party of the century."

"Ah, don't sweat it. Before high school is over, you and me will throw the party of a lifetime. I promise."

"You really think so, Gerald?"

"Sure we will buddy. We'll make that geek party we threw seem like a small soirée!"

"Thanks Gerald. Um, don't look now, but I think there's someone looking for you." Arnold grinned, sizing up Phoebe in a conservative powder blue number. Her hair was out of its usual bun, and it now hung slightly over her shoulders. It was a very different look for the petite Asian girl, but Arnold immediately decided that he liked it. However, while Arnold knew that Phoebe would appreciate his comments, it was Gerald whose opinion she was likely searching for. Arnold immediately deferred to his friend, prompting him to approach Phoebe and pay her a compliment.

"Whoa." Gerald whispered under his breath. "Man, Arnold, what did she do? She looks great!"

"I know." Arnold grinned. "But I'm probably not the one you should be telling."

"Huh?" Gerald was still clearly lost in his reverie, admiring Phoebe's striking new appearance. "Oh, yeah, right. Wish me luck buddy." He raised his voice. "Hey, Phoebe! You're looking great!" Gerald called, trotting off in the direction of his pseudo girlfriend.

Arnold chuckled to himself, silently wishing the two kids luck. He hadn't had much luck himself in the love department. He still had no idea what he was supposed to be doing with Helga, she just wouldn't talk to him about the important things. And he still hadn't managed to find Lila yet. Perhaps it was time that he set himself to mingling. Taking a deep breath, Arnold decided to see what mysteries the home of Rhonda Lloyd would present him with this evening, the 23rd of December.

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Author's Notes

Okay, so here we are, at the end of another week. Before I get started this time, I just wanted to express that I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to responses on the last chapter of _Instant Gratification_ that I put up. I've just been so busy lately, it's really hard for me to keep up with everything. I try my hardest, but I find that there just aren't enough hours in a day for me to do everything I like. But I do my best, and sometimes, that's all you can do. Work is keeping me crazy this close to Christmas, so I'm lucky if I can get one page done there in a day. Even on a significantly shorter story like COI here, that barely puts a dent in what I need to get done as far as writing goes. This chapter almost got pushed off for another time, but I decided to give up my Sunday and dedicate myself to it. I hope that you all thought it was worthwhile. For the record, I currently see this story going to four chapters overall. Maybe five, if I can't fit it all in. I can't think of any reason why it would need to be any longer. Assuming I go four chapters, then IG should make its return on January 9. If I go five, it will be the 16th. I need to take a week of somewhere just to crash for awhile and forget about deadlines, even if it's only for a week.

So, how about those HA Fanfic Awards, eh? They're really shaping up, and now we have some good competition in nearly all the categories. As for the controversy about pre-2005 stories, I'm thinking we should try to organize a separate awards competition for those. The point of the current ones is not to exclude older fics, I believe that the idea is just to keep it like the Oscars. A story has to be part of this year's batch to be considered. I'll be talking with Jarel Kortan very soon about the possibility of running an all-encompassing awards ceremony in the near future.

In the meantime, I'd like to thank everyone of you who has submitted nominations and helped make this process a success. There are some great stories and authors flitting around now, and they should make the voting a real competition. I would also like to say that in the end, I believe that the readers will be the true winners. There are a number of stories I know that I wasn't aware of which I would now like to check out. I hope that other people find some gems they may have missed as well.

Okay, onto the reviews for the first chapter of COI. Looks like there's only one that I have to respond to in here, so things should be a bit brief this time.

Acosta perez jose Ramiro, I'm glad that you feel I got off to a good start. It's strange to be writing Helga in this format again, but I think it's also good for me, as I've been working on IG for six months now. I've no doubt that a short break from that story will reinvigorate me as well. In fact, I recently came up with a great new angle for IG, but that will have to wait until I start production up on that again. You seem to have truly grasped what I was going for with Arnold last time. The boy is very torn, and he isn't sure what he's supposed to be feeling. There's something missing from his relationship with Helga, something that's been missing for a long time. He might have an opportunity coming his way to get it somewhere else, so we'll have to see what happens. Thanks for the nominations, that's thoughtful of you. I have a lot of heavy competition, though, so we'll just have to see how the awards turn out. In the end, I think that the awards will go to the stories and authors that truly deserve them, we'll just have to wait and find out where the votes fall.

Okay, I'm in the process of typing up personal response for the rest of the COI reviews right now, so no one panic. I'm going to get those out today! As for the next installment, look for it a day early, on Christmas morning. That's when it's _supposed _to be finished. I want it to be my Christmas present to all of you. Rest assured, it will definitely be the most dramatic chapter of the story to date. I hope that you will enjoy it. In the meantime, please feel free to send all your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to:

Lord Malachite

12/19/05

3:52AM, EST

E-mail: ranger(underscore)writer(at)yahoo(dot)com

AIM: Asukaphile26


	3. The Ceremony Of Innocence Is Joined

Parts V and VI: Miss You (Ever So Much) / Ceremony Of Innocence

_"Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance."_

--Oscar Wilde

"_I can resist anything but temptation."_

--Oscar Wilde, _Lady Windermere's Fan_

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Arnold had just about given up on locating Lila. He couldn't find her anywhere in the dining room, and both the foyer and living room were filling up with dancing couples, enjoying the music and each other's company. Harold appeared to be trying to empty the contents of Rhonda's buffet into his stomach. Sid was chatting up several of the girls who came without dates, no doubt looking for a suitable dance partner. Arnold knew who his partner would be, if she were here, anyway. Just as he was about to give up hope and crash on one of the sofas, he caught a glimpse of an unmistakably green dress. His eyes lit up, and he darted after the sight, his heart beating faster as he recognized the trademark bows and braids of P.S. 118's most cherished flower. Lila Sawyer walked gracefully across the floor, he thin braids trailing behind her. "Lila!" Arnold called to her, and she turned like a princess, never missing a beat.

"Arnold!" Lila blinked, then smiled. "It's just ever so nice to see you, Arnold. Just ever so nice."

"It's nice to see you too, Lila." Arnold tried to keep a blush out of his cheeks. "How's your vacation going?" He asked.

"Daddy and I are still doing the decorating. We're going to trim the tree tomorrow."

"That sounds like fun, Lila."

"Oh, it's ever so much fun! He and I don't get to spend very much time together, because he has to work so much. Only when I'm on vacation from school. I miss him sometimes. Arnold?"

"Yes?"

"Well, I don't want to sound upset or accusing or anything, but, I couldn't help but notice that you haven't really talked to me this year. Are we not friends anymore?" She asked hesitantly, bracing herself for the answer.

Arnold swallowed audibly. "No, Lila. That isn't it. I've just been, well, preoccupied."

"Oh." Lila frowned. "It's because you still _like me _like me, and I just like you, isn't it?"

"Lila, don't be silly. That never stopped me before."

The girl merely shook her head. "No, Arnold, I know it's the truth. I pushed you away."

"I'm sorry, Lila. It's just that you turned me down so many times, and I thought maybe you just didn't want me hanging around anymore."

"But I've always liked you Arnold. I always had fun with you. I just. . .I never felt-"

"That oh-so-special feeling?" Arnold finished for her. Lila nodded. "Hey, don't sweat it. I guess maybe we just weren't meant to be, Lila."

"That's what I've wanted to talk to you about." Lila sighed. "I was thinking about how in the fourth grade, when were going out for a few days. And it was kind of nice."

"Yeah, it was pretty nice, wasn't it?" Arnold smiled, thinking about the memories that had caused him to fall for the girl in the first place.

"But then you said that you didn't like me like me, you just liked me." Lila frowned, causing Arnold to wince. It wasn't an untrue statement, and they were words Arnold wished he could take back all the time.

"I know, Lila. I'm really sorry about that. I know it sounds crazy, but at the time, it was how I truly felt. I really wasn't the one who wrote 'Arnold Loves Lila' on that wall. It was someone else. And I felt like someone was trying to make a fool of us. That's why I told you that I wasn't interested. I didn't want to see you getting hurt."

"But then why did you want to tell me that you like me liked me later?" Lila persisted.

"Because I thought about how nice it was being with you, and, well, I missed that. I didn't really expect to feel that way. But you're hard not to like, Lila."

The brunette blushed. "Arnold, I broke it off with you because I felt the same way. I thought that I liked you because I thought that you liked me. Plus I was pretty upset over what you said to me that day." She put her hands on her hips. "But I did get over it. And I was never angry. I was just hurt."

"But you always turned me down after that." Arnold sighed. "You said that you didn't _like me_ like me, you just liked me. Why?"

"Because I did only like you, Arnold. Besides, even if I did like you like you, I don't think it would've been good for us to go out again."

"Why not?"

"Because of the history and all."

"So what you're saying is, if I hadn't told you that I didn't like you like you in the first place, then none of this would've happened? That we would still be together now?"

"Well, who's to say how long it would've lasted." Lila blushed again. "But to be just perfectly honest, I suppose it's possible, Arnold. I'm sorry." Her expression looked pained.

"I'm the one who should be sorry, Lila. I messed everything up."

"Would you like to dance?" Lila asked hopefully. "Maybe we both need the closure. And I am alone."

"I'd like that very much, Lila."

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"I hope you appreciate what I'm doing for you here, Football Head. I didn't think I could stand to be kept away from you, but now that I am, I'm going to grudgingly admit that maybe a little time apart is a good thing. A little. After all, how else can you expect me to talk about this kind of stuff? I don't think I could ever talk like this, say these things to you in person. It just isn't in my nature. I need the false sense of security—something to make this a little less real for me. But the truth is that I do trust you, Arnold. I trust you with everything that I am. I know that I have a funny way of showing it, but when you have the kind of feelings I do, well, all I can tell you is that every last bit of who I am is wrapped up in them. And they're for you, so that's something. Everything that I am has always been for you. I don't mean to sound so pitiful or wretched. But how can I be anything but? Here I sit, asking someone as wonderful as you to be the steward of my black and lonely heart. Is it wrong of me to ask this of you? And while I am ordinarily able to put up a strong front for the rest of the world to see, alas and alack, I cannot stand up under the scrutiny any longer. Because in this weary heart beats the truth. That no matter how much I might dare to hope and dream, I cannot escape the inevitable let down. The uncompromising fact that girls like me do not get guys like you. It is not the order of things in this world. And I suppose that's all there is to it."

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"I never knew you danced so well, Arnold." Lila beamed as her blonde escort dipped her handily, much to the delight of the other couples.

"Maybe I just needed to find the right partner." Arnold winked, purring like Gerald had taught him to what felt like ages ago.

"Arnold. . ." Lila's cheeks began to glow scarlet. "I'm ever so flattered that you like me, but-"

"Can't we fix it?" Arnold interrupted her with a whisper. "Go back in time and correct the mistake?"

"Maybe we should stop." Lila hesitated.

"I'm sorry, Lila. I didn't mean to get carried away."

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"But even so, how can I not be in awe of you? So much have I asked you to be, so much patience from you have I insisted upon. But even through all I have put you through, not once have I seen you waver. You have always been trustworthy, loyal, and forgiving. Even in the schoolyard where I show you no mercy, when our eyes meet, I can see you searching for the real me. And it's then that I know how much you truly care. And I'm forced to wonder if you've always known, since the moment we met, just how much I love you."

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Lila stood with a glass of punch in her hand; Arnold beside her, looking sheepish. "I guess it's impossible to go back in time, isn't it?" He asked.

"We can still go forward." Lila offered. "I do miss you, Arnold. Just not in the way you were hoping."

"Even after the way we just danced, you still don't think that there's anything between us?"

"No, that isn't it." Lila shook her head. "There is something between us. But I think that we missed it."

Arnold sighed. "I'm sorry you feel that way. You're smart, and funny, and pretty; I really, really like you, Lila. But if I can't be the one to make you happy, then I hope you find that special someone you're looking for."

"You do make me happy, Arnold." Lila smiled. "Again, it's just, not in the way you were hoping."

Arnold rubbed his neck, feeling awkward. "Well, I'm glad that you at least like me."

"Oh, I do like you Arnold. Just ever so much!" Lila hugged him gently, her eyes catching sight of something that set fire to her cheeks. "Arnold?"

"Yes?" He asked, regretfully allowing the girl to disentangle herself.

"Don't look now, but, well. . ." Lila inclined her head upwards, where Arnold's gaze quickly followed. Hanging above them was a strategically placed sprig of mistletoe. Looking outward, the ceiling was peppered with the most infamous of festive decorations. Rhonda was nothing if not devious.

"We don't have to, Lila." Arnold blushed profusely.

"It's tradition." Lila countered. She placed her left hand over his, shutting her eyes.

Unsure where this was going but not wanting to leave Lila all puckered up with nowhere to go, Arnold moved in, shutting his own eyes and meeting her lips with his own. The sensation was more than he expected. Her lips were soft, yes, but there was also a sweet flavor he could taste; like a dusting of sugar, perhaps representative of her personality. It felt different than he was accustomed to. Until now, the only girl he had ever kissed in his entire life was. . .HELGA! There was a tear of lightening across his vision. Helga! How could he have forgotten her? Lips that were surprisingly gentle and inviting, hair that smelled like fresh cut flowers; curiously delicate features that seemed out of place on a girl ordinarily so rough. Her touch always intensified any reaction between them, wanting yet never forceful. Was this what she had spoken of a year ago? A mark she had left on him, nearly vampiric in its design and desire. Or had he failed to notice that Lila had not yet moved away? She had not ended their kiss, and yet he could only think of Helga. Helga, with her awkward beauty that she would only let him see on rare occasions; when she would favor him with an honest smile that wasn't full of malicious intent. There was no longer any question. What did it matter now if Lila decided to throw herself at him? He belonged to Helga, and nothing could ever change that.

Arnold withdrew from Lila, noticing the way her eyes remained closed and the peaceful expression on her face. "Ar-Arnold. . ." Lila stammered as her eyes fluttered open. "That was. . ."

"I'm sorry, Lila. I have to go now." Arnold blocked her, not wanting to risk a conversation that would only serve to hurt her feelings. "I, um, hope you have a merry Christmas. I'll see you at school." He moved off quickly, not wanting to entangle himself any further with the temptation. He had to talk to Helga. Immediately. Unfortunately, she wasn't available. So Phoebe would have to do.

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"I only wish I knew what you were doing this night, my love. No doubt something noble and selfless to spread the Christmas spirit to those who need it most. Unlike myself, you never hide your light under a bowl, or snuff another's candle to make your own shine brighter. How strange the fates must think me. A fish in love with a bird, darkness enamored with the light itself. If there be any mercy left in this cruel, misbegotten world, take pity on me and grant me this one wish. Do not let love pass me by. Oh, let me wash away the misdeeds and cruelty of my few wasted years and live anew in brighter ones. I am not beyond all hope. I will learn to fight back, to better myself. Let love be my guide and destiny my friend, yet most of all, pray gentleness will be my goal, for I shall endeavor to be a better person. And even thought it is not in my nature to be trusting, I shall place my trust fully in you, my sweet angel love. I will trust you not to hurt me, but in time, to support me and dispel all remnants of my worser half. For what man alive is more upright and true than you?"

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"Gerald!" Arnold called to his best friend, who was slow dancing in the now largely vacant dining room with Phoebe, who looked as though she had stars in her eyes.

"Hey there, lover boy." Gerald smirked, never taking his eyes off of his girl. "How are things going?"

"Gerald, I need to cut in for a few minutes." Arnold choked, desperation in his voice.

"Say what!"

"I just need to talk to Phoebe." Arnold pleaded. "Alone. Please, it'll only be for a few minutes."

Gerald sighed. "All right, but just try not to ruin the mood." Gerald finally acquiesced. He reluctantly released his girlfriend, stepping out of the room to accommodate his best friend's request. To Arnold's credit, he hardly missed a beat, taking up the slow dance handily. Phoebe herself possessed quite a bit of grace, adjusting to the change in partners with ease.

"Arnold! This is a pleasant surprise." Phoebe smiled, proffering her arm to him, which he took. He gently placed his other hand on her waist, and the two fell into a comfortable rhythm with the romantic music Rhonda had arranged purely for the couples.

"Phoebe, I'm sorry to ask, but how much do you know?" Arnold asked.

"About what?" Phoebe inquired, not certain what this was all about.

"About me, and Helga, and. . .stuff." Arnold whispered into her ear.

Phoebe blushed a bit at being questioned so directly about her best friend's love life. "I know everything that I need to know."

Arnold nodded once before proceeding to explain everything that had happened that night with Lila. Phoebe did her best to calm her friend, approaching the situation in a cool, rational manner. "Arnold, I must point out that your intentions towards Lila this evening are a matter that you must work out with your own conscience. However, I also believe that this situation is not as bad as it could be. A kiss under mistletoe is a holiday tradition, a ceremony of innocence that dates back a long way. I would hardly consider it to be a binding connection with another girl, provided it was just the once. Especially since from what you're telling me, you weren't able to stop thinking about Helga." Phoebe smirked.

"What can I say? She does strange things to me."

"She's been doing that for years!" Phoebe let out a string of laughter. "I'm sorry, I just find it terribly sweet. Be good to her Arnold. She needs it."

"I will." Arnold nodded. "I still have to tell her about this. She would never forgive me if she found out any other way, and too many people saw us."

"I agree." Phoebe nodded. "If she gets upset, I'll try to put in a good word for you."

"Somehow, I think it might take more than that."

"I know you care about her, Arnold."

"I think it's more than that now. I should get going. I have to do something for her. Something big. If I don't see either you or Gerald. . ."

"Merry Christmas." Phoebe smiled, understanding completely.

"Merry Christmas." Arnold released the girl, kissing her hand. "And thanks, Phoebe. For everything."

"All part of helping my friends." Phoebe bowed. As Arnold left to record his own message for Helga, Phoebe felt satisfied that, while there might still be some rough road ahead, Helga might soon have real reason to celebrate. Her thoughts were quickly interrupted by a familiar yet seemingly out of place voice.

"May I have this dance?"

Phoebe's eyes widened when she saw who was asking. "Lorenzo?"

"Yes. Long have I wanted to ask you, but you have been very preoccupied this evening. I did not wish to intrude."

"Not at all." Phoebe blushed. "My date is a little busy right now anyway, and I don't see what harm it could do." In truth, she had never been more curious in her life. She and Gerald had always been making eyes at each other since they were young, but the thought of another man being even mildly interested in her sent a furious excitement coursing through her veins. Lorenzo seemed very encouraged as he deftly took Phoebe's arm in his, and she instantly noticed how much more experienced his form was than either Gerald or Arnold. Something she had hidden away in a corner of her mind seemed to click, and there was a question that she knew she had to ask her new dance partner. "So tell me, Lorenzo, did you by any chance send me a Valentine earlier this year?"

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Author's Notes

All right, that's it for this week. It may not seem overly long, but hey, I covered a lot of ground here, and I just don't have enough time to even type these notes, I've had to do so much overtime this week. I'm darn tired. I've been getting by on four hours of sleep a night.

But okay, no more whining and whatnot. It's Christmas, a time to be merry! It doesn't feel like Christmas this year, for some reason, but that's okay. I feel good and full of the right spirit and all that fun stuff. I only wish that the person to whom this story is dedicated could be here. Unfortunately, she is away at the moment, but since she's visiting her family, I'd say it's for a worthy cause. But wherever you might be when you read this, Holly, merry Christmas to you! I hope it brings you the kind of joy and delight you bring me every time we meet. Christmas may come but once a year, but you keep it in my heart every day. That's a gift you've given me I hope never to lose.

So, I hope everyone is enjoying the story so far. Scandalous, is it not? But fear not, it isn't quite over yet. We still have one or perhaps two chapters to go, I haven't yet decided. But I do hope you'll come back next week. I might even have a little surprise coming to IG soon. Truth be told, I really wanted to do a special Christmas column from Ginger, but it appears as though time is not going to be on my side. Even so, I have to say it again. Merry Christmas, everyone!

I'd also like to thank everyone for all the nominations in the HA fanfic awards. They already seem like a rousing success to me, and now that we're in the voting phase, I wish the best of luck to everyone in the polls!

As for the reviewer responses, argh, time. But don't worry. It just so happens I have plenty of time to do them on Monday night, so don't be shy, I won't be leaving anyone out, as usual. I like to be thorough to my fans!

I'll see you back here next week, everyone! But until then, feel free to send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to:

Lord Malachite

12/25/05

3:22AM, EST

E-mail: ranger(underscore)writer(at)yahoo(dot)com

AIM: Asukaphile26


	4. Feeling Like A Fool

Part VII: The Long Night

"_You can cage a tiger but you're never sure he's broken. Men are easier."_

--Charles Bukowski, _Notes Of A Dirty Old Man_

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Several days later, Helga's precious recording arrived in a non-descript package. Arnold had never gotten around to sending anything to the girl. No doubt he would have further explaining to do, to say nothing of the party incident which remained in desperate need of clearing up. It wasn't that he hadn't tried to send her a heartfelt message, he just couldn't seem to get anything out. His conscience was really starting a row with him over the whole Lila affair. And much as he wanted to tell Helga the truth, she deserved a bit better than to receive news like this in such an impersonal manner. "Hi, Helga. How was your Christmas. Oh, by the way, while you've been gone, I took the opportunity to make out with Lila. Hope you don't mind." Somehow, that just didn't have the right ring to it. This was part of a seemingly eternal paradox he and Helga always shared. At her own request, they always kept each other at arm's length. Helga was trying to lead a dual life. She wanted to play the part of his girlfriend without submitting to any of the responsibilities such relationship innately required. She wanted everything to be a secret, for no one to know of their involvement. The very idea was ridiculous. The primary reason he had indulged her this far stemmed from the knowledge that announcing to the world that he and Helga were an item would only invite an endless array of teasing and mockery. The only benefit to the entire fiasco would be that Arnold would in all likelihood become something of a legend as the bravest boy in all of P.S. 118. After all, Helga Pataki was not the kind of girl one simply walked up to and asked for a date. Unless of course one was attempting to commit suicide, in which case it was an excellent method of accomplishing one's goal. Helga, of course, never really had to defend herself from unwanted advances from dubious admirers. She wasn't pretty by any means, at least, not on the surface. It was only when you got to know her, the real Helga, that the butterfly inside the girl would begin to peek out from the cocoon. Arnold couldn't deny that when she was stretched out on the couch with her head in his lap, there was something undeniably beautiful about the girl. Her shields would lower, and there would be a look in her eyes that was equally filled with both longing and content. She always felt surprisingly soft and slight on those nights, not at all like the image she was perpetually projecting to the rest of the world. There was something magical about the way she carried herself, perhaps that was the appeal he had found in her. Helga was so strong yet so vulnerable. He often felt like a fool for admitting it, but she had a way of making his heart go out to her. There was a physical aspect as well. When he could coax her into letting her hair down, he always felt rewarded. It was clean and smooth, one of her uniquely feminine features. And when she slept. . .well, Helga had a habit of snoring inexorably and leaving a puddle of drool on her pillow when she slept. It really wasn't very ladylike. But he didn't mind. It was the little things that had caused him to give into her in the first place. There was little point in resisting Helga. She had made it very clear that he belonged to her, and disagreement on this point had a tendency to cause bad things to happen in his life. The proof, it seemed, was in her actions. Secret messages she would send to him through trusted couriers like Phoebe while in school. Playground insults that seemed to challenge him to find a better girl if he had a problem with them. Stares she would give him across the dining room table on Saturday nights. Spitballs plastering the back of his head during a particularly boring math class. And perhaps most curiously, a strange brand of kiss that she gave, grabbing his hand and running his fingers along her lips, moistening them before pressing the digits against his own lips. It had been well over a year since they had kissed in the more traditional sense, but he had long been afraid of going too fast, especially with a girl like Helga., who was already emotionally invested in him. He didn't want to risk her getting hurt, or worse, for Helga to feel that that he had been using her. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than him, especially given his recent actions. Goodness knew that Helga had been through enough in her life. There were problems that Helga found herself continually confronted with; too many of them were of her own creation. But Helga, much like him, was still in the process of becoming herself. She still had some learning, exploring, and evolving to do. And Arnold still held out hope that with the proper guidance, Helga would learn to open herself up to life's simple pleasures.

"I wonder what you're thinking about tonight, Helga." Arnold sighed as he changed into his pajamas. Ever since the party, he couldn't remember a time when he wasn't thinking about her.

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_"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust."_

--Samuel Johnson

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"This time of year can be hardest when you're a kid. They say that Christmas night is the saddest night of the entire kid year. Why? Because the next Christmas will never be farther away than it is now. It's like the end of an era. All the scheming and plotting I do to get the gifts that I want, and afterwards, the whole thing is over and I'm left wondering what the whole point was. It might as well never have even happened. At least, that's what I've felt all week. What's the point of Christmas if I can't spend it with the one person I truly care about? There isn't any point, that's what. I hate it. I hate being without you. Call it an addiction if you will, but I swear that I'm becoming sick. It's withdrawal, I tell you! I'm not used to being without you; having to endure an entire week without even being able to send a spitball your way. How else am I supposed to express myself? This oral dictation crap just isn't cutting it. It's no substitute for the real thing. And I can't function like this. And I don't even care that this is the last night I have to stay here. This night could kill me, you hear? Kill me! I wasn't made to suffer like this! I never wanted to know this kind of heartache. How am I ever going to survive the coming years if one week has defeated me so thoroughly? Have I been reduced so easily? Perhaps it's true. Consider the power you've gained over me. All the things I've been told that I can do or be since I was in the fourth grade, and the only thing I care about is being with you. All I want is to stand by your side and absorb all that I can. The rest can fall into place as it may. I want to learn how to be the girl we both wish that I could be. And even though I know that I could do some truly great things in life, all of them would carry me farther away from you. I can't think of any reason why either of us should be made to go through something like that. I don't want to do anything that might set me on a path apart from yours. I have spent the better part of my life doing everything in my power to force out paths to intersect again and again. But the two of us are so fundamentally different in thought, in nature. Our ability to coexist may not show itself in this lifetime despite my best efforts. And so I have extended my plea unto you. Lift me up when I am falling. Pay no attention to any protest that I may make. I do need a prince to save me from the demons of my own creation. I'm weaker than I look. I haven't done a very stellar job at keeping up my end of our cold bargain. How I wish that I could point to one specific thing that might be done to better both myself and our compatibility. But I'm afraid that I simply must accept the fact that our fates will be what they will be. On my own, I am incapable of charge and unwilling to risk it. I must trust to your talents, Arnold. Take hold of my better half and don't let go. Bring me kicking and screaming into the light. Do what you must to save me, and perhaps there may still be a chance for us to meet in the middle."

I flip the recorder off, drumming my fingers against the side of the chair and wondering where this torrent of emotions could be coming from. It's bad enough that I can fill endless volumes of books with my angst, now I'm providing it to the world in stereo. How can I dump all of this stuff on him? Pfft, some Christmas present. Merry Christmas, Arnold. Have a heaping helping of angst and misery, from me to you. I put a lot of effort into it. Not that I don't give you plenty of this crap every single day. I wonder, Arnold, if I should ever tell you the truth about a Christmas miracle I managed as my gift to you two years ago. It might be a bit tacky to reveal the truth beyond a gift like that, but how I know that way your face would light up when you realize how I came through for you without even being asked. That the me you've been dreaming about each night since we began this complication exists. The Helga Pataki you've always believed in. I still retain the hope that I will learn how to be that person every day. Be patient with me, Arnold. If God is still up there, I'm betting that he isn't finished with me yet.

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Part VIII: Blame It On Yourself

"_Through the streets and down the hill._ _  
I stared out the window.  
Underneath I started to feel   
Something had finally let go.  
Round the corner and to the end.  
I put my feet on the pavement.  
And for a moment I'm back again  
Remembering what you once meant. _

_I wonder how it's gonna feel  
To mean nothing more to anyone._

_  
Blame it on, blame it on yourself.  
Blame it on, blame it on yourself."_

--Ivy

"Blame It On Yourself"

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Gerald sat in his best friend's bedroom, looking out over the checkerboard and the moves now available to him. There were too many openings, too many opportunities to back Arnold into a corner. Clearly, the boy's concentration was elsewhere. "Hey Arnold!"

"Huh?" The blonde boy started, confused.

"You're not in the game. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, Gerald. I've just got a lot on my mind."

"About Lila?" Gerald grinned, suspecting a juicy story from the other night.

"Not exactly. I mean, she's a factor, but not the entire thing."

"Okay, so what's it all about?"

"It's complicated." Arnold sighed.

"So uncomplicate it." Gerald shrugged.

"It's not that simple. It's a girl problem."

"With Lila?"

"Not exactly." Arnold's shoulders dropped.

"You keep saying that, but what does it mean?" Gerald persisted.

"Gerald, I have obligations that I haven't told you about yet."

"Obligations? What obligations?"

"Well, there's this girl, and-" Arnold's confession was interrupted by a knock at his bedroom door.

"Hey, Short Man! Your little friend is here to see you!" Phil's voice echoed off the walls of the hallway.

Gerald cocked an eyebrow. "You expecting company?"

"No. . .wait, what day is this?" Arnold asked in a slight panic.

"The 26th."

"Oh shoot! I forgot!"

"Arnold, you stupid Football Head!" Helga's voice seemed to cut straight through the door and wrap Arnold in her clutches like a Thanksgiving turkey. "I told you not to let these floors get all dirty! Look at this mess! There's dirt and crumbs everywhere! I'll be at this for hours come Saturday!"

"What's she talking about, Arnold?" Gerald asked. "She makes it out like it's her job or something."

Arnold hopped out of his chair to receive his guest. "Actually, it is."

"Say what!" Gerald's eyes widened.

"I'm sorry, Gerald. It's-"

"I know, I know. Complicated."

"That's putting it mildly." Arnold states as he opened the door to allow his quasi-girlfriend entrance. "Hi, Helga. How was your Christmas?"

"Lousy, but what else is new? And I noticed that our mailbox was conspicuously devoid of a package for me this morning. I came here hoping that you perhaps forgot to mail the tapes. Tell me you forgot, Arnold." Helga's smile seemed very dangerous.

"Sorry, Helga. I meant to, but some stuff came up. And there's something I have to tell you."

"I'm hoping it's a darn good reason why we're going to keep Simmons waiting with this project."

"It's a good reason."

"And probably complicated." Gerald rolled his eyes. "Look, I'll let the two of you sort this one out. Give me a call later, Arnold."

"I will." The blonde boy responded, giving the special handshake to his best friend. Gerald only nodded in Helga's direction before leaving.

"So. . ." Arnold began, trailing off into nothing as he cleared the checkerboard.

"Hmpf." Helga gave him the cold shoulder. "Thanks for thinking about me while I was gone."

"I did think about you. A lot. It's what I wanted to talk about."

"Fine. We're talking." Helga said, removing her purple coat and tossing it onto a chair.

Arnold gave the girl an awkward hug, which Helga wasn't expecting. "What are you doing, Hair Boy?"

"I missed you. A lot."

"Oh really?" Something inside of Helga began to glow.

"Really."

"Well, I'm glad to see that absence has made your heart grow fonder." Helga smiled, accepting the affection.

"There's plenty more where that came from." Arnold grinned. Helga nearly melted.

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I can't believe this. I just can't believe this. Arnold missed me. _Me! _Helga G. Pataki! The girl of his screams! The one who has caused him such endless frustration for years on end! He missed me! Oh, my sweet angel of love, if only you knew what was missing from my life while I was away. I have awaited this moment for my entire life. And now it's here! "Arnold, I. . ."

"Come on. One Christmas kiss." Arnold looks up at me. Why is his voice so hesitant? He's always been much more confident than me. Comes with the upbringing you receive, or so I've always thought.

"Arnold, no!" Why the heck am I pushing him away? This isn't how I should react, is it?

"What's wrong?" Arnold asks. Yeah, that's what I'd like to know myself.

"I like you, Arnold, but I'm not cheap." Of course! The romance! How could I have forgotten the romance! I knew there had to be an easy explanation. Not that there usually is where I'm concerned. "Maybe you hadn't noticed, but just because I'm different than other girls doesn't mean that I don't want a little romance."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to shake up the routine a little."

"It's okay. So what's so important, bucko?" I ask him. Arnold eyes are narrowing. That can't be a good sign.

"This is big news, Helga. But. . .I'm afraid that it's good news wrapped inside of bad." Okay, I don't like the sound of that. I really don't like the sound of that. And I tell him so.

"I don't like the sound of this already." I protest.

"Helga. . ." The way he always twines our fingers whenever he takes my hand always gets to me. He knows all my weaknesses, curse him for being so thorough. When he looks at me this time with those eyes of wonder, I find myself unable to disappoint him. I lower my head and press my lips to his own, partaking in a kiss that is much different than any we have shared in the past. Even our last one, back on the roof of the hospital, was different. Something has changed. But if feels like a good change. It feels as though there's more of him in this kiss than there has been in all the others we've shared. He's really here! Oh, Arnold. . .do you finally understand this connection that has always been between us? Are you finally ready to take the next step; to weave the next story in the tapestry that will be our lives?

There are not enough words to describe my disappointment that he allowed that kiss to end. It should have been an eternal playground for us to explore. No matter how nice, they're always entirely too short. I've really got to do something about that. "Yes, Arnold?"

"I went to Rhonda's Christmas party and, well. . .Helga, I kissed Lila." Somewhere inside of my head I could hear my heart literally shatter into fifteen million pieces. He kissed Lila. He kissed Lila? HE KISSED LILA! The bane of my very existence, my sworn enemy in love!

"YOU KISSED LILA!" I explode in his general direction, pushing him away from me and practically throwing him across the room. "You have some nerve, begging me for my kiss! How dare you coerce me into touching lips that have her taint on them!"

"I'm telling you this for a reason!"

"Oh, why, so you can rub in how much more you like her than you do me?" I spit at him.

"No, its-" A ringing phone cuts us both off. Damn these interruptions! I grab it, wanting to tell off who should dare come between me and my vengeance.

"What?" I shout into the receiver. What's left of my will breaks into nothingness when I hear the voice on the other end. "Oh. Hello, _Lila. _No, he's right here. What? Yeah, that's right. I'm Arnold's secretary. But don't worry. I won't be getting in your way any longer." I throw the phone in Arnold's general direction. How could I have been such a fool. Replaced by the woman he's always wanted. I don't know if I'm more angry at him, or at myself for not seeing it coming. I was a fool to think I could compete even for a second.

Arnold grabs the phone. "I can't talk now, Lila. I'm sorry." To my moderate surprise, he hangs up on Little Miss Perfect. "Helga, this isn't what you think."

"Save it. I hope you two are very happy together." I thrust the door open and walk out without even looking at him. Arnold's still calling after me. He always was persistent.

"I'm not getting together with Lila!" That tears it. The last thing I wanted him to see was the sight of me crying. But if that's what he wants, that's what he'll get. I never could say no to him. Why ruin the streak? I make no effort to hide the tears streaming down my face as I turn to look at him one last time, lips quivering in shock and hurt.

"Helga, I want to be with you!" Arnold protests. So playing games with my heart is supposed to make me believe that? I can't believe I actually thought all those wonderful things about you. I should've known better.

"Freak you!" I yell as loud as I can before taking off in a run. I don't bother to look behind me as I leap down the flight of stars and dash out the front door. Even if Arnold gives chase, he'll never catch me. My legs are too long, and I can cover more distance. And right now, I can't stand to be seen by anyone, least of all him. I've let him see me weak too many times already. Never again. I run through allies and sparsely populated streets, paying no attention to my direction. The devil take me for all I care.

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Author's Notes

Okay, another good week. It's only Friday night and already I'm done with my chapter. Now I can relax over this holiday weekend! I've got my review responses done too, I just have to send them out. It feels good to be caught up on everything. My Christmas was nice, but I hope everyone else's was as well. I'm also glad that I found the time to go in and write that Ginger column for IG after all. It feels good to get that kind of accomplishment done.

So, here we are. It's a brand new year. Or at least, it will be by the time you're reading this. Where do they all go? Each year seems to go faster than the last, with no signs of slowing down. You know, I could write more, but maybe I'll save this topic for a proper Ginger column when I get back to IG in January. No need to rehash stuff twice.

I can see two reviews that I need to attend to here, so I'll do my best to finish those up.

Hello once more, Acosta perez jose Ramiro. I'm glad that you find my dialogue agreeable. And I did put quite a bit of work into the scenes between Arnold and Lila. Those aren't typical in many fanfics. I also wanted to incorporate Lila without making her a villain. She is not trying to take Arnold away from Helga. In fact, like everyone else save perhaps Phoebe, Lila isn't even aware that there's even a pseudo-relationship between the two. She would know Helga's feelings from the episode "School Play," but considering that they're now in the sixth grade, I don't feel it's unfair to assume that the statute of limitations has run out on those. Helga has had a lot of time to declare her intentions. Arnold and Phoebe are two people that would seemingly have much in common to me, so I like to do conversations between them sometimes. They are fairly deep, and I think they would have much to talk about. Look for some of this very same Arnold/Phoebe interaction in later installments of "Instant Gratification." Thanks for reviewing and I hope that the new chapter is too your liking.

And this, of course, brings me to Laurel. You're another one of the faithful, week after week. Thank you for being so loyal like many others. I'm sorry for any heartache that the story may cause you. Sometimes it's necessary to write this kind of sad, heavy stuff for the good of both the plot and the characters. As for the interspersing of Helga's message with the conversation between Arnold and Lila, I'd been planning that for a long, long time. If this were animated, then what you saw was exactly how I would envision things as the director. It actually loses something without the animation, I feel, but I guess I can't have everything. I never promised you a happy ending. You'll just have to keep reading and see how this plays out. You are very much welcome for the Christmas gift and the Christmas bonus. I like to be the author that keeps on giving! I'll know soon enough if my wishes come true. I hope that yours do as well. Thanks again for being my "loyal lackey" as you so cleverly put it.

Okay, that takes care of that. You know, the funny thing is that I really don't know what else to say this time out. I'm a little saddened that this story hasn't been as popular as expected, but perhaps it's my own fault for wanting to wait and do a Christmas story. I think I've spoiled people so much with IG that returning to the times of TSH is no longer an exciting proposition for a lot of people. As such, it is increasingly likely that this story will be my last one in the series. Everything changes eventually. I suppose the season for TSH has finally run out. But that's okay, I still have a great chapter left to go which I think will earn this story a fond place in the memory of my readers. I just hope you'll all stick around for the conclusion. I'd also like to wish everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year. It's still exciting to be a part of this fandom, and I feel that it is an honor and a privilege to be regarded so well among it. So happy new year, everyone, to you and yours.

Lord Malachite

1/2/06

3:31AM, EST

E-mail: ranger(underscore)writer(at)yahoo(dot)com

AIM: Asukaphile26


	5. The Hardest Part

Part IX: Close To Home

"_Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved."_

--Victor Huge, _Les Miserables_

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"Aren't you blowing this just a little bit out of proportion?" Phoebe challenges me. Me! Her best friend!

"You've got to be joking! Phoebe, the moment I was gone he was making out with another girl! And not just any girl, oh no, not my Arnoldo! When he screws up, he really goes the extra mile. Lila. Why did it have to be Lila!" How long I've been beseeching the heavens for an answer to that most difficult of questions, only to be me with a stony silence.

"Helga, calm down. Think about what has happened. There's more to it than you're thinking."

"What? Was he kissing someone else, too?"

"Hardly." Phoebe corrects me. Sure, Pheebs. Like you could possibly know this situation better than me. It's only been a nightmare I've been reliving ever since Arnold first developed his stupid crush on Little Miss Perfect. It's been a game of Russian Roulette ever since. And the bullet in the chamber was named Lila Sawyer. "Helga, when Arnold was kissing Lila, the only person he could think about was you. He told me so himself, that very night. Don't you get it? Arnold likes you! He wants to be with you, Helga."

"What are you talking about!" I can feel my rage seething.

"Are you going to shut your eyes and close your ears to everything good in your life, or are you going to take control of your own destiny?"

"Don't talk as if you know me, Phoebe. Not like this. You have no idea what it's like to be me, what I go through every day. The only thing I've ever had go right for me was the fact that you and Arnold are in my life. And now, at long last, I'm losing Arnold. "Don't make this any harder on me."

"That's enough!" Phoebe yells at me. I can't remember the last time she did that. It's pretty rare that Phoebe feels strongly enough about anything to shout. "I don't want to hear anymore, Helga! This is your chance to finally experience what you've always wanted! And as usual, you're only too content to mope around feeling sorry for yourself while claiming that the whole world is against you to whomever will listen! Well straighten up, Pataki! Life is tough all over! Stop writing these ridiculous tragedies and get to the happy ending already!" I have to admit, I'm impressed. It's not like Phoebe to stand up to me. Even rarer that she takes me to task over anything. It just isn't her style.

"Fine." I concede the point to Phoebe, not wanting to be drawn into a losing argument. "Maybe you're right about a few things. But that still doesn't explain what his lips were doing on hers!" Ha, I've got you there, Pheebs. You can be as much of an Arnold apologist as you like, but there's no way you can explain that one away!

"Actually, Helga, upon careful consideration I'm forced to submit that the blame for that falls just as much on you as it does on him."

I blink my eyes tight and start laughing uncontrollably. "Ha! Ha ha ha! Thanks Phoebe, I really needed a laugh. What happened? Did I somehow trip Arnold and Lila's lips somehow broke his fall?"

"Well, in a manner of speaking, yes." You've got to be kidding me, Phoebe. Honestly, this is starting to get ridiculous!

"Okay, time out. I need to lie down." I flop down hard on Phoebe's bed, wincing in pain as the hard floor comes up to me. Stupid Japanese beds. World 357,929; Helga zip. Another great day.

"By your own admission, Helga, you've kept your relationship with Arnold downplayed and low key. You wouldn't even let him tell anyone about it. I know that you've always kept him at arm's length. You shouldn't be so surprised that he would give into the physicality of someone else, Lila in particular, given his past affections for the girl."

"Wait a minute!" I roar in poor Phoebe's direction, causing the petite girl to waver slightly. But it isn't enough to send her flying backwards. I must be losing my touch. "Just what the heck are you trying to imply!"

"Isn't it obvious, Helga?" Phoebe adjusts her glasses. Something about it looks like a sign of defiance. "You're a. . .you're a cold fish!"

"A cold fish?" I blink. "Me!"

"I'm afraid so, Helga."

I sputter at Phoebe's accusations. I can't do more than babble like an idiot, because they're true. Every last one. I am such a fool. Why didn't I know it until now? He even mentioned it himself on Valentine's Day. I have kept him trapped inside a perpetual state of limbo ever since I got out of the hospital all that time ago. And up until now, he had endured it all for me. But even Arnold's patience couldn't wear on forever. I look at Phoebe, whose face is a mixture of sadness and fear. Afraid for what will become of me? Or that my anger will come back to burn her? Perhaps both. "So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth." I quote perfectly, pained at how well those words come to mind.

"The letter to the angel to the Church in Laodicea." Phoebe knows the passage as well, it seems.

"It's fitting, isn't it?" I ask.

"I'm afraid so, Helga. But this is your chance to change! Become hot! Don't hide from your feelings anymore! Look at what all this secrecy has done to you."

"Don't you think I know that!" A pox on the tears that are welling in my eyes. I should have learned to be stronger by now. But affairs of the heart have always been my weakness. "I can't fight what I am, Phoebe."

"You have to, Helga. Do you honestly believe that you'll be afforded another chance like this one? He kissed a girl he has pined after for a very long time—and he could only think about you. He's into you, Helga. Don't pass this up!"

"Phoebe? I need help. I'm not the kind of person who can just take what she wants, not when it comes to love. This is the one area I'm. . .where I'm a coward. I want to reach out to him, but I don't know how. You know me, Phoebe. I don't have any people skills. I prefer to let Ol' Betsy here do the talking." I raise my fist in a half-hearted gesture of strength.

"There's always a first time for everything." Phoebe shrugs.

"Okay, fine. So I'll try to cut Arnold a little slack. Can I at least take my frustration out on Geraldo?"

"No!" Phoebe vehemently refuses me. "Gerald is my boyfriend! You have to be nice to him!"

"So this is official now? And here I was hoping that my usual intimidation tactics might keep him at bay. I really must be slipping."

"Well, to be fair, you were away, Helga. Gerald merely shared a bit of enthusiastic holiday spirit with me." Phoebe's blush tells me everything I need to know. She's farther along in her relationship than I am in my. . .whatever the heck it is that Arnold and I have been doing. I really need to make an effort to be less pathetic. They say that we all have one of those days from time to time. For me, it's just been one of those lives. I'm forced to wonder about the concept of ordinary happiness, and how it seems to elude me entirely. I supposed that I could call it suffering for my art, but most of that is securely tucked away in my closet. Some of it is even more embarrassing than the various failed stunts I've cobbled together over the years in my dubious attempts at winning Arnold's attentions. Who would've thought that in the end, all it really took was landing myself into some serious trouble. I should've known. Actually, I'd never really thought about it, but it does seem kind of obvious. Arnold is always busying himself with helping other people with their problems. All I needed was a genuine problem of my own. And the whole ordeal did prove one thing to me. Arnold cares. He cared enough to rearrange his entire life for me. Somehow I've lost sight of that.

I look at Phoebe, my anger withering into grief. "I don't know how I managed to become the bad guy here."

"It happens to the best of us." Phoebe consoles me. Good ol' Phoebe. It's a good thing I have her. Breaking in a new best friend sounds like far too much handiwork. "So what do I do now?"

I'll never forget the grin on Phoebe's face as she explained her ingenious plan to me. The respect that I've always had for Phoebe just increased ten fold. This might actually be fun.

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Part X: Truth And Consequences

"_A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her...but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account."_

--W. Somerset Maugham, _The_ _Moon And Sixpence_

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"Are you ever going to tell me what this is all about?" Gerald asked as he walked down the sidewalk with his best friend. He couldn't help but notice that Arnold's gait seemed a bit hesitant.

"I'm trying to make my life easier." Arnold explained. "I really messed up this project with Helga. But she said that as a Christmas present, I could take her revenge all at once and be done with it instead of getting pricked a thousand times over the next few months."

"Why should you give into her at all?"

"Because it's Helga." Arnold sighed. "She's just going to make me miserable anyway. If I can let her do something big and then get her off my back, so much the better. I mean, she works for my Grandpa. Who knows what horror she could unleash on my room!"

"I guess I never thought of it that way." Gerald nodded. "But I still don't see why you should have to take her abuse. Anyway, where are you meeting her?"

"The school playground." Arnold said as they approached. "I wonder where she—oh." Both Arnold and Gerald turned to look at the schoolyard. Helga had truly outdone herself. A jury of Arnold's peers had been assembled, including Sid, Stinky, Harold, Phoebe, Rhonda, Nadine, Curly, Eugene, Sheena, and even Lila.

"Well, well, well." Helga smiled viciously, baring her teeth at the newcomers. "Look who decided to show up. I hope you don't mind that I decided to invite a few witnesses. I knew you wouldn't want things any other way!" Helga's voice seemed to fill the playground, her mocking disdain carrying like the voice of a ringmaster beneath the big top.

"What do you want, Helga?" Gerald asked, respectfully wanting to protect his best friend.

"Take a seat, Geraldo, and you'll soon know." Helga indicated a seat of honor at the top of the monkey bars, which Gerald begrudgingly took. "Now that we're all here, let me present the evidence. Witnesses have repeatedly stated that you, Arnold, were seen kissing Lila Sawyer at Princess Rhonda Lloyd's Christmas party. What do you have to say for yourself, bucko?"

Arnold could feel a tightness in his body taking hold. But he had to remain calm. This was the price to be paid for his arrogance. "It's true."

"Ah, a little holiday romance. How touching. Or is it? Lila?"

"Yes?" The pigtailed brunette asked, feeling timid but not daring to cross the blond prosecutor.

"Tell us what happened next, after the kissy stuff, won't you?"

"Well, I thought that Arnold was going to explain things to me, but instead, he left. I felt ever so bad about what happened." Lila's expression was wilted, like that of a sun-scorched flower.

"Phoebe!" Helga bellowed. "Play back the tape!"

The Asian girl nodded curly, pushing the buttons that would rain down accusation on poor Arnold. Moments later, Lila's voice poured through the large speaker on the portable boom box. "_I thought that Arnold was going to explain things to me, but instead, he left. I felt ever so bad."_

"Again!" Helga insisted, and the sad account played once more. "_I thought that Arnold was going to explain things to me, but instead, he left. I felt ever so bad."_

"So," Helga smirked, "here he is, ladies. Portrait of a boy bent on hurting the one he professed strong feelings for. We all know that he's wanted Lila since the fourth grade. So what does he do when she deigns to show him a little favor? He plays with her feelings! How would you like it, Arnold, if someone you really liked taunted you like that? How would it make you feel, hmm?"

Arnold sighed, realizing how blindly he had walked into this trap. Ever since the party, he had been so concerned about Helga that he hadn't even stopped to consider what Lila must be feeling. He felt ashamed of himself. "It's true." Arnold announced, not willing to lie even to save his own hide. His eyes sought out Lila's, needing her to understand so that he might ease her own confusion. "I never meant to hurt you, Lila. It's just that ever since we kissed, I've been thinking about someone else. I'm sorry, Lila. I wasn't trying to play with your feelings. I just think that. . .Lila, after we kissed, I realized that you were right. We weren't meant for each other. I know that now, because you helped me to realize who my oh-so-special someone is."

"Do you mean it, Arnold?" Lila asked, clasping her hands together. "Do you really think that you've found her?"

"I know I have. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, Lila. I would never intentionally try to hurt you like that."

"Don't be silly Arnold. If you've really found that oh-so-special someone, well, then I completely understand the way you've been acting."

"Then you'll forgive me?"

"Oh of course I do, Arnold. You're ever so forgiven! And I'm happy that you've found that person you really care for."

"Thanks Lila." Arnold smiled, a weight lifting from his shoulders. Knowing that Lila seemed both satisfied and content at the outcome went a long way towards healing the rift.

"Oh, how _touching!_" Helga interjected, clearly angry at the way that things were progressing. "There you go again, Arnold. Flowers spilling out of your pockets wherever you go! There still must be some kind of justice meted out. Am I right, ladies?" Helga turned to the crowd.

Nadine was the first to speak. "Actually, I think we're done here, Helga."

"Lila's already forgiven him." Sheena nodded.

"Please don't do anything to Arnold. It would be ever so cruel." Lila pleaded.

Even Rhonda rushed to the boy's defense. "As much as I enjoy a good show, there's nothing further to be gained from this. And as we've always known, Arnold is really a very nice boy. This only proves it." She smiled briefly at the defendant, who was quite satisfied to receive support from the school's reigning social queen.

All eyes fell on Phoebe, who gulped once before speaking. "I think this matter is closed, Helga."

"Et tu, Phoebe?" Helga asked sadly ad her plan fell apart. The gods had already taken away her chance at happiness. Would they now deny her vengeance as well? "Isn't there anyone here who thinks that Arnold deserves some kind of punishment?" Helga asked.

Curly jumped into the fray, literally hopping off his perch on the jungle gym. "I say we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge! And then, to make sure he takes us seriously, we free all the animals in the zoo! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Free the animals!" Curly ran off, waving his arms in the air, clearly fueled by the delusions of grandeur that had once again seized control of his mind.

"Is that his solution to everything?" Sid wondered.

"Yeah, it's like he's some kind of simpleton or something." Stinky nodded.

Harold's whining voice begged for attention. "Can we go now, Helga. I'm hungry!"

Helga turned towards the growing murmurs. "No, Pink Boy. You can't leave just yet. There is one person here who still thinks Arnold is guilty. Me!"

"Aw, c'mon, Helga!" Gerald refused to hold himself back any longer. "Can't you ever do anything gracefully! You've lost this one! Let him go!"

"It's okay, Gerald." Arnold explained. "If Helga wants to settle things with me, then I'll let her. I owe her that much."

"Man, Arnold! You don't owe her anything!" Gerald yelled. "She's just looking for an excuse to turn your life into a living nightmare!"

"Stay out of this, Gerald!" Arnold began to feel the frustration, regretting that he had raised his voice to someone who was only trying to defend him, especially his best friend. He really wanted to tell Gerald the truth, but he couldn't. He doubted that Helga would ever forgive him for kissing Lila, revealing her secret might destroy what little chance remained of fixing things between them.

Helga smirked, satisfied that Arnold was not resisting. "Let the record show that I'm not without mercy." Helga presented herself. "I was going to push you off of the pier and have Sheena's Uncle Earl rescue you. But instead, I'll show a little leniency." Helga produced an 8 gallon plastic bucket, smiling all the while. "Have a drink on me, Arnoldo!" She hoisted the bucket and emptied the contents over his head. Ice cold water, made less bearable by the already frosty temperature of New Year's Eve. Arnold shivered but held his ground, trying to think warm thoughts. "That was for playing with a girl's feelings, Football Head, intentional or not." Helga then did something she had never done before. For the first time in her life, Helga Pataki struck her love. She slapped his cheek with the palm of her hand, a resounding noise deafening everyone's ears. The force Helga had exhibited was noticeable but not brutal. Arnold would be feeling the sting for some time to come, but she hadn't hit him hard enough to leave a bruise, or worse, scratch him with her nails.

"Helga. . ." Phoebe began, but found no voice to finish her thought.

Gerald stepped between Arnold and Helga, but a fierce look from the friend he was trying to defend sent Gerald packing back to his seat. Arnold desperately wanted to rub his cheek, but he didn't want to show weakness now. He knew he deserved this from Helga.

"And that," Helga struggled to keep the tears out of her eyes, "is for kissing Lila." Her voice nearly broke at the end.

"Helga, that's enough." Phoebe took her best friend's hand.

"No, it isn't." Helga shook her head. She moved back towards Arnold, forcing herself to look him in the eye. She stopped in front of him, several feet taller than his smaller form. She raised a hand as if to shove him, but rested it hesitantly on his right shoulder instead. She tilted his head upward, descending upon his lips with her own in one fluid motion. His lips were cold, like the rest of his body, the consequences of her earlier abuse. Yet somehow, it was the warmest sensation either of them had shared together. Arnold couldn't help but think of a box a chocolates as he tasted her kiss. Helga was bittersweet, like a bar of dark chocolate. Distinct, memorable. "And this," Helga spoke softly as she let the moment pass, "is because in spite of everything, I still love you."

"But Helga, everything will change." Arnold whispered to her, taken quite aback by this latest action.

"It already has." Helga returned in a soft voice, planting a tiny kiss on his lips before turning back to the crowd. "Now," Helga raised her voice again, "does anyone here have a problem with what they just saw?"

"Wait a minute!" Stinky called out. "I'm confused! Does this mean that Miss Helga really likes Arnold? I mean, she likes him likes him or somethin'?"

"Of course!" Rhonda scoffed. "You've got to be joking! She's only wanted him since like the first grade!"

"Ah ha ha ha!" Harold mocked the awkward blondes who were at the center of the stage. "Helga loves Arnold! Now I bet you she's gonna marry him and they'll have a bunch of ugly kids together ha ha ha! His laughter was snapping Helga's remaining nerves at an alarming rate.

"I think it's sweet." Eugene smiled. "C'mon guys. No one wants to be alone in life. We should be happy for her."

"They do make a cute couple." Nadine agreed. "I don't see why we should give them a hard time."

"Now hold on a minute!" Gerald protested. "This doesn't make any sense! Arnold! Are you and Helga. . ?"

"Windshield wipers?" Arnold answered with a chuckle.

"You could have at least told me!" Gerald cried.

"You mean you really didn't know?" Rhonda asked.

"I thought that Helga's feeling were common knowledge." Sheena nodded.

"YOU WHAT!" Helga roared in a voice loud enough to wake the dead. "All right, that's it! Show of hands! How many of you jokers knew that I liked Arnold! Rhonda's hand shot up first, followed by Phoebe, Lila, and Sheena. Nadine's hand was also raised. "Phoebe, I'll cut you some slack. It's pretty hard to be my best friend and not know. But you, Lila! Was it you who betrayed me?"

"No, Helga!" Lila protested. "I never told anyone, like I promised. That would be just ever so mean."

"Well somebody cracked!" Helga spat.

"Oh, please." Rhonda interrupted. "Helga, anyone with half a brain knows that you like Arnold, and no one needed it spilled out for them. Well. . .maybe the boys, but you know how they are. The way you're constantly pestering Arnold, it couldn't be any more obvious! Not that it's any big deal. Was it supposed to be some sort of secret?"

"Actually," Sid chuckled, "I'd always just assumed that she liked him."

"I. . .but. . .you. . .and. . ." Helga stuttered, trying to process things through her tortured brain. Everything was happening very quickly. Recovering slightly, she scowled, wanting to be rid of her now decidedly unwelcome audience. "All right, fine. Now clear off! There's nothing more to see here!" When no one moved to obey, Helga undid her jacket and threw it off, drawing Ol' Betsy into action. "I said scram!" Helga yelled, diving into the crowd and stamping her feet while waving her fist in the air. "Amscray! Criminey, just beat it!"

Harold and the boys were the first to run, with the girls leaving in a bit more dignified manner. Eugene slipped on a patch of ice, reassuring everyone he was okay before resuming his effort to escape the wrath of Helga Pataki.

"I don't believe this." Helga groaned, picking up her jacket and questioning her life.

"I don't believe it either." Gerald said, shaking his head sadly.

"I'm sorry, are you still here?" Helga asked, annoyed at the continued interruption to her privacy.

"You're darn right I'm still here!" Gerald practically yelled. "Arnold is my best friend!"

"So I've noticed." Helga scowled. "That doesn't make this any of your business."

"This is completely my business! What, I'm just supposed to trust someone who seems to focus all her energy on driving my best friend crazy?"

Arnold smiled, pleased to see such a show of loyalty from Gerald. "It's okay, Gerald. I can take care of myself."

"Should I remind you of the fact that we're talking about Helga here, Arnold? Helga G. Pataki? The girl who once-"

"I think I've got it under control, thanks. Look, Gerald. You know how there's some things you just can't talk about. Like, you and Phoebe?"

"I can talk about Phoebe plenty!"

Helga took that moment to interrupt. "Maybe that's your problem, Geraldo. If you would talk. Why don't you try talking to her instead of about her? I can't believe I'm saying this, but for reasons I will never understand, Phoebe thinks the world of you, bucko. Now look, I know you already took her to that stupid party, but why don't you go and take her to a movie or something. Spend a little time just talking, or heck, just being together. Trust me, it helps."

Gerald pursed his lips, unwilling to admit anything to a girl he considered to be a prime nemesis. "Arnold?"

"Yeah, Gerald?" The blonde boy asked.

"Will you two really be. . .you know. . ."

"We'll be fine, Gerald." Arnold smiled.

Gerald shook his head, but acquiesced to the inevitable. "You and I need to have a serious talk later, buddy."

"I know. I'll see you later, Gerald."

Gerald sighed. "All right, all right, I can take a hint. Just be careful, okay?"

"I always am." Arnold watched his best friend walk away slowly, not saying anything. Helga also sensed that she shouldn't break the silence just yet. She waited until Gerald had disappeared around a corner before breaking into a smile. She took her purple jacket and placed it over Arnold's shoulders, beckoning him to put it on.

"Come on, Arnold. We'd better get you out of those wet clothes before you catch a cold. I mean, you'd better change into something more comfortable. I mean, argh! You know what I mean!"

Arnold looked at Helga and couldn't hold back a steady stream of laughter at the girl's attempts to downplay the sudden innuendo. Helga thought he was going to go on for minutes on end until he abruptly sneezed, shivering a bit. "Okay, Helga. Maybe you're right." They walked in silence all the way back to the boarding house.

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It was an hour later when Arnold was sufficiently dried and changed into new clothes. Both of them had needed some warming up, Arnold from being both chilled and soaked, and Helga from walking several blocks without her coat. However, being young, they were both resilient. And after a cup of hot chocolate, both had resolved to step out again for a stroll through the park. The boarding house was crowded, with everyone gearing up for the New Year's Eve party to be held that morning. At least, Mr. Hyunh was planning one in his room. Arnold's Grandmother was too busy preparing a Memorial Day picnic, and Arnold knew well enough to stay out of her way.

A stroll through the park seemed like the perfect way to begin this new step in their relationship, an activity that was inherently romantic in nature, but at the same time was rather subdued. There was no conversation, apparently just trying to adjust to the new order of things was enough for both of them to ponder silently. It occurred to Helga that this was the first time they were appearing in public as a couple, and she was surprised when her right hand reached out to take Arnold's left in her own. She could never remember being so bold before.

A slight sound seemed to tickle her earlobes, and it took Helga a moment to realize that it was Arnold humming a tune. She gave him a curious expression, and he shrugged as he began to sing lightly.

"_Why do you build me up, Buttercup baby,_

_Just to let me down, and mess me around_

_And then worst of all, you never call baby_

_When you say you will, but I love you still_

_I need you, more than anyone, darlin'_

_You know that I have from the start_

_So build me up, Buttercup, don't break my heart."_

The lyrics brought a smile to Helga's lips, and she began to pick up the pace of the walk, losing most of her inhibitions. She joined him in another verse, practically bouncing on her feet as they followed the path.

"_I'll be over at ten' you tell me time and again_

_But you're late, I wait around and then_

_I went to the door, I can't take any more_

_It's not you, you let me down again._

_Baby, baby, try to find_

_A little time, and I'll make you mine_

_I'll be home, I'll be beside the phone, waiting for you. . ._

_Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby,_

_Just to let me down, and mess me around and then worst of all,_

_You never call baby when you say--"_

The moment was completely ruined as they reached the familiar stone tunnel, where two very unpleasant figures were waiting for them. Wolfgang punched his lackey in the shoulder, inclining his head in the direction of the singing, giggling couple in front of them. Both of the older boys moved to block their path, and a scowl developed on Helga's face. She quickly disengaged herself from Arnold, not wanting to appear weak in front of the bully's.

Wolfgang's smug visage leered at them as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I ask you, Edmund, if there is any sight more endearing in this world than a boy taking his dog for a walk?"

Edmund snickered, all too aware of the impact that comment would likely have. They both watched in fascination as any trace of femininity disappeared from Helga. She underwent a rapid transformation into warrior woman status, rolling up the sleeves of her jacket and drawing both of her fists back. She launched a spitwad into the ground as a challenge. "Say that again. Come on, I dare you!" Helga insisted, ready to claw her way through the older boys like so much kindling.

"Well, well, well." Wolfgang chuckled. "I didn't know you'd hired a bodyguard, Football Face. Does she do all your fighting for you? Or is she just on loan from the zoo?"

"Leave her alone, Wolfgang." Arnold frowned, stepping between his girlfriend and her tormentor.

"Oooh, tough guy." Wolfgang laughed. "Hey Edmund, how many times do you think I can sock the runt before his girlfriend cries?"

"None!" Helga roared, springing off her feet and launching herself at the larger boy's chest. Wolfgang fell backwards, his arms making awkward circles in the air as he unsuccessfully tried to keep himself from losing his balance. The wind was knocked out of him as he hit the ground, and Helga used the leverage to give him a crack to his jaw. Helga spit at him again, while Edmund looked on in shock. It was the first time he had ever seen Wolfgang go down in a fight, even when he fought Ludwig.

Helga moved to give Wolfgang a few more licks, but Arnold pulled her away. "That's enough, Helga!"

"Like hell it is!" Helga yelled, lunging for the bully again, but Arnold held strong.

"Helga! Stop it!" Arnold growled pulling on her arm.

"Don't you get it, Arnold? Can't you see? This is how it's always going to be for us! Can't you understand that our kind are not meant to go together. I am not one of the beautiful people! I am not pretty, or popular, or sporty, or even a nerd! I'm just an outcast that nobody wants! And there will never be a shortage of people waiting to make your life miserable just because you choose to let me hang on your arm!"

"Then the heck with them!" Arnold shouted. "Don't you know me at all, Helga? Have you ever known me to care what other people think? This is about you and me, and what makes us happy. I don't have to prove myself to anyone, Helga. Except for you."

"But why, Arnold? Why are you willing to go through all of this just for me? Why should you have to suffer?"

"Because when you have to make sacrifices, that's how you know that something is real. I'm willing to go through whatever it takes, Helga. Because I want to be with you. I like you. Can't you understand that?"

"But. . .Arnold. . ."

"_I watched the proverbial sunrise  
Coming up over the Pacific and  
You might think I'm losing my mind,  
But I will shy away from the specifics..._

'Cause I don't want you to know where I am  
'Cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

_Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.  
See that line? Well I never should have crossed it.  
Stop right there. Well I never should have said  
That it's the very moment that  
I wish that I could take back._

_I'm sorry for the person I became.  
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to try and never become that way again_

_'Cause who I am hates who I've been._

_Who I am hates who I've been._

"No buts, Helga. I won't have you interfering in my decisions anymore. Now come on, let's get out of here."

"To where?"

"You said it yourself, Helga. There's a big world out there, and it's changing. Let's go explore it."

"Together?"

"Together."

_I talk to absolutely no one.  
Couldn't keep to myself enough.  
And the things bottled inside have finally begun   
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up._

And I heard the reverberating footsteps  
Syncing up to the beating of my heart,  
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,  
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again  
'Cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO

The feeling of holding Arnold's hand is indescribably wonderful. This is the way we were always meant to be. It's a pity that I've always been so afraid of experiencing it for myself. If only I had tried harder, I might have been able to get my act together sooner. But things can always be worse. I could have stayed forever a coward.

I still can't believe that he kissed Lila. _Lila!_ I should have known that little manipulator would steal a free sample from me someday. I'm just glad that Arnold was able to resist her. That he's able to recognize real love when he sees it. I may not be much, but everything that I am is his. And apparently, that's good enough for him. Me. Helga G. Pataki. The girl who is less pretty or likely out of all the others, but perhaps ultimately more deserving. Now if only I can convince myself that it's okay to be happy, and to take the good with the bad, maybe I'll finally manage to get my crap together. Yeah, like that will ever happen. But maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm supposed to be a basket case. That's what I have him for. To keep me on track. To fix me when I'm broken. And to pick me up off the ground, if I can swallow my pride and extend my arm so he can pull me up.

You know, it's funny. When I'd first started, I thought that this was the worst Christmas of my entire life. Now, though, I think it's the greatest I've ever had. And I owe it all to him. Even so, things are going to change. So why am I suddenly all willing to go along with it? I don't know, maybe resistance is futile. But a brand new year is upon us. Maybe something in my subconscious has decided that it's time to try something new. A new lease on life, a new chance to make a difference for the better. Maybe I can't just sit around waiting for something good to happen. That's what I've been doing for most of my life. The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'm through with that! Well, maybe not on everything. I pride myself on my stubbornness. I'm one of those horrible people that won't take anyone's word for anything. I have to find out everything for myself. It's a crazy, mixed up world that we live in, and I don't pretend to be part of the solution. But perhaps, with a little bit of patience and a lot of love, I'll be okay.

OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO

Author's Notes

Wow, I can't believe that I finally managed to finish this thing. I never thought that I would see the day. This chapter was huge, I've been killing myself every day to get this thing done and I'm still working up until practically the last minute. Man, I'm tired. But I just couldn't bring myself to drop anything from this chapter, every part was important, in my book. I knew that this might be my final entry in _The Sweet Hereafter_ series, and I wanted to make sure that I end things on the right note. Consequently, a lot of thought went into each scene, and while I don't consider this to be perfect, I think it's a solid conclusion. I know that some people feel pretty strongly about this series, some even like it better than my epic _Instant Gratification_, but I think that's okay because they are two very different kinds of stories and I think it depends on the type of drama you prefer.

That said, I just want to take the time once again to thank everyone for their unending love and support during the creative process. It feels good to finally have this one finished. I have a very loyal cadre of reviewers, and I appreciate each and every one of you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

As always, I still dedicate the work to my dearest Holly, whose bubbling personality and constant encouragement make it possible for me to function day in and day out. I'm sometimes forced to wonder how much of my stories are my own attempts to talk to her easier, or to say things in a different way. She's my greatest muse and inspiration, and the most remarkable woman I've ever had the privilege of spending time with. Thank you for being in my life, Holly. And I hope that the new year brings you untold fortunes of health, wealth, and ceaseless joy.

And as everyone should know but which for artistic reasons I didn't put into the story, _Build Me Up Buttercup_ is by The Temptations. I certainly wouldn't want to take a chance of anyone saying I tried to claim their lyrics as my own.

I did spot the review by Laurel—Pretty astute observation about Helga. One of her greatest problems is that she's never been very good at living. She's quite stand-offish from everything. I'm glad to hear that you were able to enjoy the chapter uninhibited, although I personally feel that this final one is the best of the lot. I wrote the others so that I could write this one. Gerald is definitely dense sometimes, but I think it's understandable on this one. Given the nature of Arnold and Helga's relationship, the chances she would ever show up on Gerald's radar as a possible love interest for his best friend is pretty non-existent. In fact, few people have ever found any kind of charm in Helga. Only Brainy and Arnie, and Stinky had a brief crush on her. This does factor into my portrayal of Helga, much moreso in _Instant Gratification._ Helga always draws the nuts, because she's a bit crazy herself. Of course, one could argue that you'd have to be crazy to _like her_ like her, but hey, I'm here to tell stories, not to be Helga's shrink. She has Dr. Bliss for that. Which leads me to another point about the story. Originally I wanted to put Dr. Bliss in this one, but I fear that this story was getting larger than I wanted to begin with. I also have to grudgingly admit that Helga solving some of her own problems demonstrates growth on her part. She is not a hopeless case. Anyhow, I'm babbling. Back to the review! I'm not normally one for happy endings, but I feel this one was necessary. I've done enough torturing of Helga in my life, particularly in IG, it was about time I threw the poor girl a bone. Er…dog metaphor intended. You know, I've been holding onto that line of Wolfgang's for about 9 months. I've been dying to use it, and I'm glad I finally was able to tell this story just for that. Bah, I'm digressing again. I must be in a good mood! No doubt about it, this concludes _Ceremony Of Innocence_, and probably the TSH series as a whole, at least for the foreseeable future. I don't really have any ideas for further stories. I did, however, leave this one open-ended enough for more in my traditional fashion.

Okay, I guess that about does it. I can't really think of anything else to say that won't make me start to sound long winded. Thanks for reading, everyone. Look for an update to _Instant Gratification_ next Monday. It's about time, right? Ciao!

OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO

"So what do you think, Helga?" Arnold quizzes me.

"I don't know, what do I think, Arnoldo?" Geez, he can be so dense sometimes.

"About the dance. There's a dance at the Community Center on Saturday night."

"Yeah, I know. Phoebe's been all excited about it. What did that best friend of yours do to her at that Christmas party? She's been thrilled ever since. I mean, I've danced with Phoebe myself a few times, but I never knew that she was so into it." Maybe it's time for me to find out.

"Oh, you know how it is." Arnold chuckles. "Dancing tends to bring people together." I can just picture us now. Arnold and I gliding across the floor, his hand on my waist, holding me to him. Ohhhhhhh yes, it's going to be great. No, perfect! "So what do you think?" I think I'll play this one cool.

"I wouldn't know, Arnold." I flash him a grin. "You haven't asked me."

_Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.  
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.  
Stop right there. Well I never should have said  
That it's the very moment that  
I wish that I could take back._

_I'm sorry for the person I became.  
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to try and never become that way again_

_'Cause who I am hates who I've been._

_Who I am hates who I've been._

_Who I am hates who I've been  
And who I am won't take the second chance you gave me.  
Who I am hates who I've been  
'Cause who I've been only ever made me..._

So sorry for the person I became.  
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.  
I'm ready to try and never become that way again  
'Cause who I am hates who I've been.  
Who I am hates who I've been.

--Relient K

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"


End file.
